The Roadmap to Piece of Mind

Queen Creek Sherrif:  Do you know why I stopped you today? - 

Me:     I'm assuming it's because of that right turn that I made coming out of the library - 

Queen Creek Sherrif:  You didn't think you came out of there too fast? 

Me: Do I think that turn merited police intervention? No. 

   In retrospect, I can think of some better ways I could've answered that question. I was annoyed at the question and responded poorly. I have a habit of giving in to my short temper and mood swings. I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind, regardless of what may happen later. I immediately feel better, but then sometimes days later, when my  mood subsides I have to start making apologies. 

    This lash out first, apologize later method has cost me jobs, relationships, marriages, and friendships. Hell just ask my wife, I get irritated at the slightest little thing. Ava  is being bossy, and whiny or she goes to bed 5 minutes past her bedtime, or someone was cooking in the kitchen and didn't pick up after themselves. She'll get annoyed at me, and thats all thats needed for me to feel, as Pink Floyd put it, One of my turns coming on... I'm overwhelmed by this 'verbally assault you before you do it to me' attitude, and I say a bunch of stupid stuff that'll either get me kicked out of the house, or just generally ignored and ostracized, until I come back to my senses, then I've got to apologize, which I always do, but someone can only take so much of that type of behavior. Eventually all the apologizing in the world isn't enough. I walk that fine line on a pretty much daily basis. 

Jake's apology and laundry list of excuses is reminiscent of what I have to do almost daily.

   These days with a change in my medications, a new psychiatrist and months of therapy and a brief period of institutionalization later, things have improved somewhat. I still let my temper and mood get the better of me, but its not as often and instead of it taking days for me to get back to an even keel, it may only last hours. It's not much, but I'm getting there.


    It seemed the cop kept me deliberately waiting there much longer than usual. I'm assuming he ran my information thru every cop database there was looking for any little thing that he bust me for.
   
   Meanwhile, I'm sweating it out wondering if I've done anything wrong. Parking tickets, photo radar, are all my lights and blinkers working? 

   Fortunately, I was clean, and the cop let me off with just a warning, but I can't rely on getting those kind of lucky breaks every time I say something stupid.  


   I guess thats part of being bipolar. I have made some progress with this. I was given some great tools in the mental hospital that I still try to use whenever I feel, "one of my turns coming on." 

   It's called The Roadmap to Piece of Mind. It's a group of tools used to retain your brain. I won't bore you by breaking it all down, but basically the premise is that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. I fly off handle, or get easily irritated and upset because of my own opinions and beliefs, and real positive change begings when you can begin to challenge those opinions and beliefs instead of just blaming others.

 I used to blame everyone and everything else for driving me to the point I loose my cool, but for the first time ever in my life, I've come to the realization that no matter what someone or something does/says/etc... It's always me that chooses to act on my negative behaviors. 


   Yeah I know that sounds like something I should already know, but you can read that all day long, you can hear it all day long, but when you're in the middle of a bipolar mood swing, it's simply easier said than done. The highs are so incredibly high and the lows are so abysmally low that it can be downright impossible to take yourself out of the situation in order to begin to see things more productively. 


   I've heard it said once that 'you can't learn to swim by reading it on the internet.' You can read about swimming and how to do it, and proper technique all you want, but you will not swim until you get yer ass in the water and do it for yourself. 


   For the first time in my life, I've started to challenge my old ways of thinking. 'maybe the problem is on my end, and its ME thats choosing to be irritated. Every time I question my usual ways of thinking, I make a baby step. It's the difference between reading that you can change, and KNOWING that you can change. 

   I'm nowhere near where I'd like to be as far as the roadmap to piece of mind goes. Sh*t as I'm writing this, I barely spoken to my wife in days. I've been isolating myself from my family so they don't have to deal with all my bullsh*t, and thats not cool. No matter how much I'd like to just come out of my room and interact with everyone like a normal person, I just can't do it. I can't explain it, it's like being trapped. I know I need to just drop all my crap and join in whatever everyone else is doing, but it's a fear thats so great, I simply can't adequately convey, how hard it is to get past it. That fear of me being exposed and vulnerable to me loosing it is just too much for me to overcome right now. 


   But I am trying to get past it, in a positive way. The way 'The Roadmap to Piece of Mind,' says you gotta do it.
   

   At this time last year, I would've blamed everyone else for my predicament. I would've told you that's its all their fault that I'm hiding out from everybody. But I know that it's my fault, and the only way I'm going to get past this, is by challenging myself and convincing myself that I'll be ok if I step out of my comfort zone.  


   It's just a baby step, but at least its a step in the right direction. I know it may not be enough for my wife and family, but it's all I got right now, and instead of beating myself up, I'm choosing to at least be content that I'm even trying at all. 

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Ok enough seriousness, Let's end this on a recreational, controlled substane break, shall we?

 

The Five Stages of Rock: Stage 4 & 5

  

 

   The depression that characterizes Stage 3, turns into pleasant surprise as Stage 4 unfolds.  Several important landmarks signify the onset of Stage 4:



* For the first time you hear one of your favorite teenage songs on the classic rock station.

* You see one of those record compilation commercials for a CD of music from your "youth"  Like my favorite "Freedom Rock,"
 
* "I'll never drink again," turns into "I can't drink anymore like I  used to."



   This is the age where, as Chris Rock put it, you're now, "the old guy in the club." Not old, but just a little too old to be in the club. You think its weird funny at first, hearing your old favorite songs on the classic rock station. You go get your hair cut and you make a joke that references an old movie that you like and the girl has no idea what you're talking about. 
   You're at the mall, shopping with you wife, because she says you never want to do anything with her, and you don't see the point because all you end up doing anyways is just sitting in that seat outside the dressing room reserved for miserable, married men who've been castrated by their wives, and you just keep checking your Facebook over and over again, then you notice out of the corner of your eyes, this group of hot giggling girls and you realize that those teenage girls you're looking at are old enough to be your daughters. 

Yeah thats a lot like what Stage 4 is like. 

   Musically, Stage 4, is like a man torn between two lovers. On one hand you got your old favorites, but you don't hear them in clubs anymore. You only hear them in bars when people put it on the jukebox, on a night when nobody is there, or some group of youngsters sing it as a karaoke goof. 
After a few years, that gets old.


   You try to stay on top of new music, but with every passing year it gets harder. For example I just looked at the current Billboard Top Ten. Eight names I've never, ever heard of. One name I've heard people mention but I've never heard anything they've ever done, and one person I think I saw on an acne commercial once or twice. 
   I used to love watching The Grammys and the MTV music awards, but I can't anymore because I don't know who the hell anyone is. 

   And not that I want to anyways. Everything just sounds like crap. 

   So by the time you figure out that you can't keep up with modern music anymore, you don't really care anyways.

   There are a few newer artists making music nowadays that I find interesting, like The Black Keys, or The Mars Volta, who I listened to a couple years ago. But I couldn't tell you much about them or how many records they've put out and I really only heard their songs a few times, agreed that yeah, they're ok, and then never heard them again. It's just really hard for me to make room for new artists these days.

   I've heard quite a few Radiohead songs, they're music is good, but I don't know much about them and don't know if they're still making albums. 


   I really like System of a Down, but I think they broke up.


   I've always liked the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but I don't keep up with them, I didn't get into the last album they did and I don't know if they've put anything out recently. 


   I like the foo fighters but I'm only familiar with the songs they play on the radio.

   I'm not a big fan of modern heavy metal these days. I never thought I would ever say this, but its just getting too damn noisy for me to enjoy. I find it either annoying with the "cookie monster vocals," that is if they're still doing the cookie monster vocals thing, and if they're not I really don't care, cuz I don't wanna listen to it anyways. 

   Once in a while when I'm in the mood I might listen to System of a Down, but my headbanging days are pretty much over. 


   The artists on my I-phone today include, The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, Nirvana, The Ramones, The Misfits, Danzig (his first two solo albums only), Social Distortion, Iggy Pop, Velvet Undergound, Sex Pistols,David Bowie...


   I'll be 39 this fall. I've probably got more time behind me than ahead of me now. I've found my comfort zone- musically, and thats where I want to stay. I'm pushing 40, and there's no way I want to be one of those 40 year old douchebags pretending to be all hip with all the kids music and fashions n shit. 

   This is the latter half of stage 4. Other interesting things start happening too. Those pains in your knees and back that you occasionally wake up with, are becoming more frequent. You say its because, "you must've slept wrong last night." but who are you fooling? you have a tempur pedic mattress. 


   You drink Pepsi, not because it makes you feel young, but because it helps you burp. You stay away from pizza and beer not because you're watching your weight but because it gives you excruciating indigestion. You go out on Friday night, not because you're ready to party, but because its you and your wife's predetermined 'date night' and while you're not too thrilled about going out because one of you has to stay sober so they can drive, and this week its your turn, but still it beats staying at home and having to deal with the kids and all their bullshit.  


OK ENOUGH SERIOUS SHIT, LET'S TAKE A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE BREAK, SHALL WE?

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Wow, that was a lot, let's go over what we've covered so far

   

Stage 4

* Begins with the enjoyment of the novelty of things you used to listen to, being relegated to the ranks of nostalgia.

* Attempts to hang on to your youth, stay hip and pretend you're not getting older.

* Eventual resignation and acceptance combined with extreme 'south park-like' cynicism where everything begins to sound and look like shit.

 ____________________________________________

Stage 5? 

   I'm not too sure about what stage 5 is. I'm still in the last part of stage 4 and I don't see that changing any time soon. 

But I have some projections. It's hard though, considering I never, ever thought I would make it to thirty, and rock and roll doesn't really have an old timers day. Know what I mean?

* If you're lucky, you will enter old age, beat up but still functional and looking descent(considering the heavy mileage you've got) and still able to rock out without making it seem like you're trying to hard like a douchebag in denial.

 

* You end up as one of those "rapping granny" type old people. haha, oh how cute! it's so great to see someone your age still being active and refusing to give in to old age...uh, um ok you can stop now, becuz its starting to get creepy.

 

 * You end up just an old cynical asshole. The new music sounds like shit. The old music you've heard too many times, and you're tired of it...Reminds me of a Pink Floyd Song...

You shuffle in gloom of the sickroom
And talk to yourself as you die.

 - Free Four, Pink Floyd.

The Heavy Metal Band Name Generator

 

I am Forsaken Angels, what is yours?

Picture Day

The Five Stages of Rock: Stage 3

Too Much F*cking Perspective

Nigel: It really puts perspective on things, though, doesn't it?

David: Too much, there's too much fucking perspective now. 

- From This is Spinal Tap

   Stage 3 begins right around that magical age of 27. I was

 haunted by depressing thoughts during this period. This 

period of my mid-twenties was rough. After the end of my 

first marriage, I battled, depression, alcoholism, and drug use.

I made 2 suicide attempts during this time. 

BY AGE 27

* Hendrix,Morrison,Joplin,Robert Johnson,Kurt Cobain 

completed their bodies of work 

* Thomas Jefferson wrote The Declaration of

 Independence.

* Einstein had created the "Special Theory of Relativity."

* Steve Wozniak, Co-founded Apple Computer.

* Napoleon Conquered Italy

* Orson Welles directed Citizen Kane

 

   What the hell had I done? not a damn thing. I had always had these grand notions of me being a famous writer or musician, but now at 27 I was faced with a grim reality. 

Over 100 billion people have ever been born in all human history  and nobody has ever heard of most of them. Only a fraction of all those people have ever been famous, or well known for anything. The majority of people are born, live and die without leaving a trace that they were ever here, and you are most likely going to be one of them. 

   That's a hard pill to swallow. Where's Morpheus? I'd rather take the blue pill right about now, so I can go back to living in ignorant bliss.

 

   It sends a chill down your spine. It's like a slap in the face whenever

 you have that brief moment when you come face to face with 

your own mortality. It's not a thought,there are no words, 

it's just a feeling, that one day you will not be here, at least

in the form that you are currently familiar with.

   It was this realization along with the fact that I already had 

one failed marriage behind me, that sent me into a very 

dark place, where I stayed for several years. This period is 

stage 3, and it lasts for however long it takes you to get out

of it. There's that general sense of dread around age 27, 

the dread of 30 rapidly approaching, then the realization 

that your twenties are gone and middle age, for the 

first time is visible far away on the horizon. 

_________________________________________________

   My musical tastes reflected this ever-present sense of dread.

 The Doors,Pink Floyd, Lou Reed & The Velvet Underground, 

Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails, Neil Young, Syd Barrett, David Bowie. 

The singer/songwriter for the first time had become the dominant 

voice in my life. Music that told of solitude,

loss, alienation, pain. The "I'm young and invincible, so let's 

party," attitude that was my musical life of my early twenties 

was over. 

Day after day, love turns grey
Like the skin of a dying man
Night after night, we pretend it's all right
But I have grown older and
You have grown colder and
Nothing is very much fun any more.

One of My Turns - From "The Wall" 

Pink Floyd: The Wall

   After my first marriage ended at age 26, I did nothing

but locked away in my home doing nothing but drinking and 

listening to Pink Floyd, The Wall for about a good 2 months. 

   The Wall is a case study in alienation, abandonment and 

isolation, and the kind of paranoia, and insanity that can arise 

as a result of 'building walls around yourself." 

   I love this album because I've always found solace in being 

able to identify with the alienation that the main character in

the album feels. It lets me know its ok to feel down, so listening 

to it is a very cathartic expeience. However, the main character 

inevitably feels guilty and tears down his wall and exposes 

himself to the outside world. So while I can identify with the 

isolation that pervades the album, there is also hope

that eventually I'll be able to "tear down my own wall as well. 

Syd Barrett

   Syd Barrett, was the founding member of Pink Floyd. I'm not

sure how many people know that. The Pink Floyd that most 

people know today is completely different than Syd Barrett's 

Floyd. All that remains from Barrett's time with the floyd, is 

one album "Piper at the Gates of Dawn," and the band's name

which it was given by Barrett himself. Legend has it, Barrett 

got the name from two blues records he owned by musicians, 

"Pink Anderson," and, "Floyd Council."

 Dark Globe - Syd Barrett

   Nobody really knows why but after recording their debut 

album, Barrett, gradually became insane. He lost touch with 

reality, and soon found himself kicked out the very band that 

he gave its name too. A couple albums of solo work were 

produced before dropping out of sight entirely in the mid-

seventies until his death in 2006.

   The recordings are raw and some say its a rambling mess 

of false starts, fumbled notes and off-key vocals, but personally

I think they're brilliant. It's literally the sound of insanity.

Barrett completely and unashamedly bares his soul on these

records and I find that alot more real that most of the crap, 

people try to pass off as music these days.

   The Doors

People fear death even more than pain. It's strange 
that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of 
death, the pain is over. Yeah, I guess it is a friend.

- Jim Morrison

   The Doors were one of the first really 'dark' bands to come 

along. People are Strange, The End, Riders on the Storm,  

are still some of the darkest songs out there. 

I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown.

- Jim Morrison

   I looked up to Jim Morrison in a way, during the depression

that followed my divorce. I felt so helpless that maybe if I too 

pursued a 'long, prolonged, derangement of the senses,' that 

maybe I would 'Break on Through to the other Side," and 

finally find peace and comfort there. 

The Velvet Underground

 

  For me, the Velvet Underground is just pure escapism. Venus in Furs, is just one of those songs that can pull you out of your reality and into another world. I'll let that song loop and replay for hours on end, while I just strum a Dm chord over and over, kinda a 'musical meditation.'

  

 

 

Heroin - Lou Reed & The Velvet Undergound

   The first time I heard Lou Reed sing "heroin" it kinda scared me in a way. It 

was disturbing to hear someone sing what almost appears to be a love song to 

a drug. 

It's my wife, and it's my life, haha.  

   With the droning guitar and Lou Reed's trippy sounding voice I like to close 

my eyes and space out to this song. It also inspires me to really bare my soul and don't 

hold back, anytime I'm trying to be creative.  

 ____________________________________________

   The depression and general overwhelming sense of dread 

pervaded begining of my mid-twenties gave way to a high 

period that lasted into my early/mid thirties. 

   But this was nothing more than a lame attempt to hold on to

my early twenties. This period of drinking, partying and 

screwing around was also my way of dealing with my divorce. 

This 'lost weekend' lasted well over five years. 

   Lots of hanging out in bars, where strange dudes would 

offer you even stranger drugs...

    ___________________________________________

 Ok, I've covered alot of ground so let me explain... 

Stage 3

* The 'mid-twenties' blues

* Desperately trying to party away the fact that 

   yer gonna be 30 soon

* Musical tastes begin to shift from loud, party, sex, drugs 

   and rock n roll, and start to incorporate more deep, emotional

   and intellectual stimulating themes.

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Coming up next time, Stage 4

The Five Stages of Rock: Stage 2

Stage 2: Mr. Sensitive Pony Tail Man.

   In my early 20's I was basically a teenager with money. Then at 25-27 I hit the first ever introspective period of my life. That led to my late 20's which I basically ruined with my preoccupation over the fact that 30 was fast approaching. 

 

  Thats a very rare picture of me in my early 20's. Rocking my "Mr. Sensitive Pony Tail Man," Look.

  Turning 18 was like life playing a cruel joke on you. You're old enough to vote, die for your country, buy cigarettes, win the lottery, go to certain non-alcohol serving titty bars, but not old enough to buy booze. 

   In my early 20's I traded hanging out at the mall, for hanging out at the bar - almost nightly, and then showing up to work everyday extremely hungover. Lots of house parties, concerts and clubs. 

   But not dance, top 40, rap friggin clubs. I'm talking more like industrial/rock clubs. Places that you would hear everything from Nirvana and Nine Inch Nails to more industrial, techno-ish stuff. Crowds of all rockers and goths. 

   My musical tastes underwent a drastic change. Metal gave way to Grunge, and as a guitarist this marked a fundamental change in the way I approached music and guitar playing. 

   Heavy Metal had been about how fast you can play, how many scales and modes do you know, how long can you guitar solo for and how many riffs can you fit into one song. And there were only two looks. Either you had long hair and looked like a sissy or you had long hair and looked like a psychotic drifter.

   When Nirvana released Nevermind in 1992, it shared the Billboard Top Ten  with the likes of Garth Brooks, Michael Jackson, Michael Bolton and MC. Hammer. 

   The first time I heard Nirvana, I didn't know what to make of it. It was the kind of confusion I imagine you would have meeting an alien civilization. There were no guitar solos, and the guitar was out of tune. As far as the vocals go, the earth shattering highs that you heard in most of the metal bands was obviously missing. Kurt Cobain was dressed more like a vagrant panhandler than a rock musician. From a guitarists point of view, the music was so simple and it was so damn heavy. I can't tell you how many nights I spent listening to Nevermind over and over again, playing along to the songs with an almost anger over how easy they were. 

   "These songs are so fucking simple, why couldn't I have thought of this?"

     

 _____________________________________

   The 90's was a great decade for rock music. I don't think the 90's have been given the proper credit they deserve, but I think time will eventually show this to be true. 

   So as my cassettes turned into cd's my music collection became filled with other innovators like Nine Inch Nails, Tool, Rage Against the Machine, Alice in Chains and many others.

 

 After a while the 'newness' of grunge rock wore off and then it became a scene just as ridiculous as the whole metal scene had been before.

Boy You Said It Family Guy!

   Just like Metal, which was cool, developed Hair Metal which was totally lame - Grunge which was cool developed this horrible caricature of itself which was also totally lame. Just like Family Guy said, you had this barrage of what I call 'low singers' you know your Dave Mathews, and Creeds, and Rob Thomases of the world . 

   So What Does All This Shit Have to do with Stage 2? 

Ok so just in case I wandered too far off topic, let me explain

   Grunge came along and (at least at first, when it was still new) showed people that you didn't have to fit into a certain stereotype if you wanna frigging rock out hard. You don't have to look or sound a certain way. Grunge was that weird kid in the back of class that nobody talked to, that wore ratty clothes and never combed his hair. 

   Once I saw Kurt Cobain, and the grunge movement show the world that, you should never conform to what others are doing, and its totally cool to be yourself, musically, artistically, personally - That was the day I decided to do the same. 

   My teens were spent desperately trying to fit in, and find an identity for myself...My twenties began with me realizing how futile that is. You can't find an identity for yourself, because "yourself" is the identity. The sooner you accept yourself, your life, your present circumstances, the sooner you can actually start living your life instead of just surviving thru it. 

   Some people never get past that, and spend the rest of their lives always trying in vain to "find themselves" always trying to please other people

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But You Don't Have to Take My Word For It

 Listen to these Other Famous Successful Graduates of Stage 2

“Don’t die with your music still inside you. Listen to your intuitive inner voice and find what passion stirs your soul. Listen to that inner voice, and don’t get to the end of your life and say, ‘What if my whole life has been wrong?” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary - Steve Jobs

Next time on Guitardedblog.com - The Five Stages of Rock: Stage 3