Me: I'm assuming it's because of that right turn that I made coming out of the library -
Queen Creek Sherrif: You didn't think you came out of there too fast?
Me: Do I think that turn merited police intervention? No.
In retrospect, I can think of some better ways I could've answered that question. I was annoyed at the question and responded poorly. I have a habit of giving in to my short temper and mood swings. I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind, regardless of what may happen later. I immediately feel better, but then sometimes days later, when my mood subsides I have to start making apologies.
This lash out first, apologize later method has cost me jobs, relationships, marriages, and friendships. Hell just ask my wife, I get irritated at the slightest little thing. Ava is being bossy, and whiny or she goes to bed 5 minutes past her bedtime, or someone was cooking in the kitchen and didn't pick up after themselves. She'll get annoyed at me, and thats all thats needed for me to feel, as Pink Floyd put it, One of my turns coming on... I'm overwhelmed by this 'verbally assault you before you do it to me' attitude, and I say a bunch of stupid stuff that'll either get me kicked out of the house, or just generally ignored and ostracized, until I come back to my senses, then I've got to apologize, which I always do, but someone can only take so much of that type of behavior. Eventually all the apologizing in the world isn't enough. I walk that fine line on a pretty much daily basis.
Jake's apology and laundry list of excuses is reminiscent of what I have to do almost daily.
These days with a change in my medications, a new psychiatrist and months of therapy and a brief period of institutionalization later, things have improved somewhat. I still let my temper and mood get the better of me, but its not as often and instead of it taking days for me to get back to an even keel, it may only last hours. It's not much, but I'm getting there.
It seemed the cop kept me deliberately waiting there much longer than usual. I'm assuming he ran my information thru every cop database there was looking for any little thing that he bust me for.
Meanwhile, I'm sweating it out wondering if I've done anything wrong. Parking tickets, photo radar, are all my lights and blinkers working?
Fortunately, I was clean, and the cop let me off with just a warning, but I can't rely on getting those kind of lucky breaks every time I say something stupid.
I guess thats part of being bipolar. I have made some progress with this. I was given some great tools in the mental hospital that I still try to use whenever I feel, "one of my turns coming on."
It's called The Roadmap to Piece of Mind. It's a group of tools used to retain your brain. I won't bore you by breaking it all down, but basically the premise is that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. I fly off handle, or get easily irritated and upset because of my own opinions and beliefs, and real positive change begings when you can begin to challenge those opinions and beliefs instead of just blaming others.
I used to blame everyone and everything else for driving me to the point I loose my cool, but for the first time ever in my life, I've come to the realization that no matter what someone or something does/says/etc... It's always me that chooses to act on my negative behaviors.
Yeah I know that sounds like something I should already know, but you can read that all day long, you can hear it all day long, but when you're in the middle of a bipolar mood swing, it's simply easier said than done. The highs are so incredibly high and the lows are so abysmally low that it can be downright impossible to take yourself out of the situation in order to begin to see things more productively.
I've heard it said once that 'you can't learn to swim by reading it on the internet.' You can read about swimming and how to do it, and proper technique all you want, but you will not swim until you get yer ass in the water and do it for yourself.
For the first time in my life, I've started to challenge my old ways of thinking. 'maybe the problem is on my end, and its ME thats choosing to be irritated. Every time I question my usual ways of thinking, I make a baby step. It's the difference between reading that you can change, and KNOWING that you can change.
I'm nowhere near where I'd like to be as far as the roadmap to piece of mind goes. Sh*t as I'm writing this, I barely spoken to my wife in days. I've been isolating myself from my family so they don't have to deal with all my bullsh*t, and thats not cool. No matter how much I'd like to just come out of my room and interact with everyone like a normal person, I just can't do it. I can't explain it, it's like being trapped. I know I need to just drop all my crap and join in whatever everyone else is doing, but it's a fear thats so great, I simply can't adequately convey, how hard it is to get past it. That fear of me being exposed and vulnerable to me loosing it is just too much for me to overcome right now.
But I am trying to get past it, in a positive way. The way 'The Roadmap to Piece of Mind,' says you gotta do it.
At this time last year, I would've blamed everyone else for my predicament. I would've told you that's its all their fault that I'm hiding out from everybody. But I know that it's my fault, and the only way I'm going to get past this, is by challenging myself and convincing myself that I'll be ok if I step out of my comfort zone.
It's just a baby step, but at least its a step in the right direction. I know it may not be enough for my wife and family, but it's all I got right now, and instead of beating myself up, I'm choosing to at least be content that I'm even trying at all.
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Ok enough seriousness, Let's end this on a recreational, controlled substane break, shall we?
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