What Your Lame Ass Tattoo Says About You

As unique as you like to think your tattoos are, they mostly fall into a small handful of categories. Here are a few of the common types of tattoos and what they say about you.

Stars

This includes nautical stars, the outline of a star, or that lame wispy-cluster-of-stars thing on your hip. You got your emo stars because it was either that or keep cutting your wrists until your parents noticed. Happy with your choice?

Sparrows

 Aside from emo stars, the sparrows tattoo is probably the most cliché of all tattoos. For ladies, anyway. Dudes who have sparrows tattoos have bigger problems on their hands than being cliché. There are two places you can get the sparrows. The first is on your hip bones, which is a delightful way to let anyone about to get into your pants for the first time know that this territory has already been charted by the singer of a mid-level screamo band. The other place to get them is on your upper boobs, announcing to anyone who checks out your cleavage that you own three copies of Thursday’s Full Collapse.


Koi Fish

 Bro, you were like, mad in touch with nature back in the day. That’s why you got a sick, vaguely Asian-looking koi tat on your shoulder and why you always wore tank tops to show it off. You had to look good at all those Incubus and Deftones concerts you went to non-ironically, bro.


 Sailor Tattoos

 Your sailor tattoos tell people that at some point, you were into the rockabilly scene, which is not an actual genre of music, but an excuse for people to dress like extras from the movie Grease for no discernable reason. You dudes got $90 haircuts and you ladies spent obscene amounts of time searching thrift stores for the perfect retro bathing suits but then refused to go in the water.



Stretched Out Earlobes

 While not technically a tattoo, your dangly stretched out lobes are a great way to promptly gross people the fuck out. You were the kid who was willing to do literally anything to fit into the hardcore scene including getting ridiculously high gauged plugs. And as your reward, you’re now rocking a set of ears that more closely resemble Betty White’s labia.


Lyrics

 You got your lyrics tattoo because MUSIC IS YOUR LIFE, NOT LIKE ALL THOSE SHEEP WHO LISTEN TO THE RADIO. Unlike them, you really connected with the bands you listened to and wanted to immortalize that by getting their words permanently branded on you. Not sure what led you to believe that was a good idea. Maybe because the bands you liked played on a stage that was only 6 inches off the ground or because their albums had clips from Donnie Darko and American Beauty in them? The problem is that since you chose the standard illegible script font, no one can read what the fuck it says, which is probably for the best because most of them were written by a lyricist who couldn’t pass a creative writing class at a community college. (Bonus lame points if you got the lyrics in any language other than your native one *coughcoughFrench*.)


Cool Phrase Chestpiece

 If you fancy yourself a cool dude, you likely got some cool dude words across your chest. Something meaningful that defines you, not just “Livin’ La Vida Loca.” Having to face this tattoo in the mirror every morning is the equivalent of reading your high school yearbook quote on a daily basis.



 Inner Lip Tattoo

 A tattoo on the inside of your lip says that you were the kid who was still trying to please their parents well into their 20’s. You had to call home every two hours to check in. You were the least fun person to go to shows with. You got a little lip tattoo as a small act of personal rebellion. Now you are an adult whose parents pay your rent.

Face Tattoo 

 A face tattoo says that you are a completely insane person who happened to get into music.


Band Names

 You know that embarrassing old notebook of high school poetry you have in the closet of your childhood bedroom? The one where you took a marker and covered it with your favorite band names? Congratulations, that’s your skin now.