More of the Worst Musicians of All Time

THE BEATLES

It would make sense to call the Beatles a boy band except, lyrically, they fall pretty far short of the One Directions of the world. Songs like “Hello, Goodbye,” “She Loves You,” and “I Want to Hold Your Hand” could have been written by three-year-olds. It says all you need to about this group that the most famous thing they ever did was walk across a street together. FACT: “Beatlemania,” in reality, was a heavily produced marketing ploy by Brian Epstein. In short, the term “Fab Four” actually is pretty fitting regarding the group - although if we wanted to steer closer to reality, that “fab” connotes not “fabulous,” but “fabricated.”

BLACK SABBATH

Most people can name more animals that Ozzy Osbourne has bitten the head off of than actual Black Sabbath songs.

JOHNNY CASH

People think it’s cool to like Johnny Cash because unlike his contemporaries, not all of his songs were about how he wanted to fuck his sister. But if you look back at his discography, it’s a fiery garbage hole of inane alcoholic ramblings that devolves into that hack who started Def Jam convincing him it was a good idea to cover Nine Inch Nails.

CREAM / ERIC CLAPTON

White man discover guitar. White man like guitar. Guitar fun. Guitar make good noise. Cocaine!

THE DOORS

 Jim Morrison wrote a lot of poetry, and most of it was shitty, pretentious, regrettable, faux-intellectual diarrhea. But Morrison's high-school emo poetry isn't the only reason that The Doors suck. Nearly fifty years after the release of their self-titled debut album, they remain one of the most over-romanticized and over-mythologized bands of that decade. the only real influence the Doors have ever had is inspiring a generation of college freshmen dudes to learn how to play three chords on their dad’s acoustic classical guitar through ultimate-guitar.com.

MARVIN GAYE

 






How big of an asshole do you have to be to have your own dad shoot you?

WHITNEY HOUSTON

More like Shitney Houston, right?

JANIS JOPLIN

Patient Zero for the trend of white girls thinking they can sing like black women and an inducted member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame—both unforgivable sins.

TOM PETTY

Tom Petty looks like what would happen if The Muppets made a man.

 

 

 

PINK FLOYD

Fun fact!! If you sync up Dark Side of the Moon with The Wizard of Oz, it still sounds like unlistenable horseshit. You probably went through a "Big Pink Floyd Phase" at some point in your life. Yeah this "phase" is known as Sophomore year of college when you ate mushrooms once a week. If you are past the age of say 22 you should no longer have an appreciation for Pink Floyd. Their music serves no purpose other than to serve as the soundtrack to your group tripping experience in a dark dorm room. If you are listening to a Pink Floyd album, you are only enjoying yourself if you are tripping in a dark room watching a light show. You can't throw on Dark Side of the Moon at a 4th of July BBQ and enjoy yourself.

RADIOHEAD

 Radiohead, the kings nerdy, boring, tuneless rock music, are on top of the world. They’ve proven time and time again that they can piss directly into your open mouths, and you’ll frolic and gargle in the yellow stream like God himself was giving you a nectar-bath. Loathsome pseudo-intellectual college boys used to have ponytails; now they have Radiohead. God help you, you stupid, gullible infants.

 

 

SONIC YOUTH

Sonic Youth albums aren’t as popular now as they were in the days of cassettes. That’s because now it’s a lot easier to say, “Hey this song is going fucking nowhere, skip it.” Every single Sonic Youth song is a “skip it” song. Every single one. Unless, of course, you enjoy hearing Thurston Moore sound like he’s dicking around with effects pedals at Guitar Center.

STEVIE WONDER/RAY CHARLES

Pretty sure the history books only need one blind dude playing boring songs on piano. So one of them sucks, the other is redundant. You pick.

WU-TANG CLAN

Oh cool, a bunch of nerds rapping about kung-fu. Shaolin’s probably not even a real place.