AC/DC
Definitive proof that rock ‘n’ roll is the only place where you can be a
professional 12-year-old for 40 years and have it be a totally normal,
OK thing. It's great that they built a discography singing about how
great their penises were, but let's not forget that Jack Black and a
band of actual ten-year-olds in School of Rock did a better job with their music.
BEACH BOYS
This is a glorified barbershop quartet that a bunch of record store
nerds convinced themselves were cool because they sang about surfing and
record store nerds don't know how to surf.
BEASTIE BOYS
Obnoxious, ironic white boys taking the hot sound of black America,
white-washing it, and half-assedly farting it back on over to the
suburbs? Is that a description of Macklemore and Ryan Lewis? Nope! It’s
the Beastie Boys. If the Beasties came out in 2014, we’d all fucking
hate them.
THE CURE
This band just made music about crying, which makes sense considering their lead singer looks like a fat, wet baby.
BOB DYLAN
And when did Bob Dylan become Future Adam Sander?
Bob Dylan is possibly the most self-absorbed, self-mythologizing piece
of shit to ever pick up a guitar. By writing inscrutable songs that
pretend to elevate the byzantine dramas of his whiny, privileged life to
some sort of self-construed poetry, Bob Dylan paved the way for our
current vapid culture of appreciating personal expression over any form
of talent. He couldn’t sing, he made a bunch of terrible gospel albums,
and he sold out his core folk fan base and its laudable values of
anti-commercialism by going electric. Although he was seen as a voice of
change, he demonstrated himself to be selfish at every turn of his
career. And worst of all, he has two first names.
FOO FIGHTERS
Foo Fighters are a band for people who want to listen to “rock music”
but only have an FM radio and an IQ of less than 75. They are the
musical equivalent of the politician who will say whatever people want
to hear to get elected. Foo Fighters are the Mitt Romney of rock music.
GRATEFUL DEAD
Dear Dad,
You need to stop sucking up our bandwidth downloading hour-long
bootlegs of “Dark Star” while I’m trying to watch porn. You’re 58 now.
Have you ever stopped to consider that Jerry Garcia has been dead for 20
years? I was an all-conference cross-country runner and you couldn’t
even be bothered to show up to the awards banquet because you were
smoking weed. I don’t love you anymore, and it’s all Jerry Garcia’s
fault.
Love,
Your teenage son
GREEN DAY
The worst thing would be if you died and they played that “Time of Your Life” song at your funeral.
GUNS N’ ROSES
The only thing good about this band is that it made it possible for you to get laid simply because of your Guitar Hero skills.
JIMI HENDRIX
This guy could only play one instrument.
IRON MAIDEN
666, number of the beast? More like number of times their fans have tried and failed to lose their virginity.
JUDAS PRIEST
Pretty much the only cool thing that ever happened to this band was
when Rob Halford came out of the closet and bummed out the homophobic
metal dummies.
KISS
The only thing worse than a talentless egomaniac is four of them. The
only thing worse than four talentless egomaniacs is four talentless
egomaniacs in clown make-up who slap their dumb-ass logo on every square
inch of product they can get their paws on.
LYNYRD SKYNYRD
Lynyrd Skynyrd is a band for clueless 60-year-old music executives who
frame LPs and hang them as art in their million dollar condos and dudes
who name their trucks. No matter what kind of Skynyrd fan you are, the
Confederate Flag is still corny, requesting "Freebird" at concerts still
isn't funny, and this band is a still a soundtrack for racists.
BOB MARLEY
One thing about Bob Marley’s music, when it hits you do feel pain. (Because Bob Marley’s music is bad.)
METALLICA
Sure, Metallica’s material since the 90s has been sub-par. But let’s
also not forget how bad they were in the 80s! And how lame is it to name
your band after the genre you’re in? Who the fuck would listen to a rap
group called Rappica?
VAN MORRISON
It’s amazing to think that Van Morrison made Astral Weeks at the age of 23. Most people don’t lose touch and make terrible adult contempo music until they hit 40.
WILLIE NELSON
This loser cowboy couldn’t hold a tune if it were wrapped in a double strength raw hemp Zig Zag rolling paper.
STEVIE NICKS
This dude sucks.
NINE INCH NAILS
Trent Reznor almost did the noble thing of quitting music when he first
disbanded Nine Inch Nails in 2009, but instead kept releasing godawful
soundtracks to even worse movies, and his shitshow vanity project How To
Destroy Angels, therefore solidifying his legacy as the guy who makes
music for the smartest guy in the trailer park.
NIRVANA
What has more brains than Kurt Cobain? The wall behind him!
PEARL JAM
“OoooOOOOhhhWaaaauUUUuuuGGgggHHHHHeeeeEEEEEaaaaaMMMmmmmUUUUuuNn.” There, you now have a thorough knowledge of Pearl Jam.
THE POLICE
Why would you name your band after a group of militarized, racist thugs?
ELVIS PRESLEY
At an absolute low point in his bloated, erectile malfunction of a career, Elvis Aaron Presley diarrhea’d out Having Fun with Elvis on Stage,
a record consisting of 37 minutes of Elvis’s stage banter, which is
widely regarded as the worst album of all time. That’s giving the vocal
diarrhea of his other albums a lot of credit.
PRINCE
Isn’t he the guy from Chappelle’s Show?
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE
Rage is a band for the dude who just took a poli-sci class at the University of Phoenix Online.
THE ROLLING STONES
Wow, it must have taken a lot of creativity to just blatantly rip off a
bunch of black guys from America and do a bunch of drugs. Cool dance
moves, Mick Jagger.
RUSH
Rush is the soundtrack to being a fucking dork.
THE SEX PISTOLS
Oh, congratulations, you’re the pioneers of music’s dumbest genre.
SLAYER
A lot of music sounds like shit, but Slayer’s guitars literally sound
like a cluster bomb of diarrhea hitting the sides of the toilet bowl,
and the vocals literally sound like the sighs of a 300-pound man voiding
his bowels.
SMASHING PUMPKINS
Billy
Corgan is like the Samson of music. Cut his hair off and he loses
his ability to make popular, navel-gazing, whiny 90s alt-rock and
starts going off the deep end of insanity. Somewhere in between starting
a wrestling foundation, dating Tila Tequila,
and looking like what happens when Hellraiser and middle-aged Charlie
Brown have a baby, Billy has managed to ruin any shred of dignity the
Smashing Pumpkins had by reuniting the band with zero original members
and putting out 128-part concept album box sets that even he wouldn’t
listen to.
THE SMITHS/MORRISSEY
This is music for people who need to get the fuck over themselves made by a dude who really needs to get the fuck over himself.
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
Mumble-mouth anthem king Bruce Springsteen is the most talented person
to ever come out of New Jersey, which is like being the skinniest person
to ever come out of a Cheesecake Factory.
ROD STEWART
Rod Stewart is kind of like if scientists did an experiment in which
they crossed the genes of Hulk Hogan, a glass of bad cognac, and your
creepy uncle.
TOOL
There’s a strong correlation between this band’s name and the type of
people who listen to their MC Escher butt rock. Hopefully it will be
10,000 more days before they release another album.
U2
The only time U2 sounds good is when they’re being played from a
U2-branded iPod plugged into the sound system at a charity event for
people who suffer from the rare disease where they can’t take their
sunglasses off.
VELVET UNDERGROUND
Velvet Underground is proof that if you want to create something truly
terrible, you just need to start by telling a bunch of burnouts that
they're artists. Then let them fire away, get hooked on heroin, and keep
perpetuating the cycle by influencing new generations of shitty wannabe
artists. It's the greatest conceptual art prank Andy Warhol ever
pulled.
THE WHITE STRIPES
Responsible for the worst stadium song ever recorded and a two-person
band in which both members look like the sex offender of the week on an
especially dark SVU episode.
YES
No.
NEIL YOUNG
The only thing that sucks harder than Neil Young’s whiny cat squeal of a
voice is people who put his music on road trip mixtapes for
“adventures” they have into the mountains with their pals while the
entire group does a singalong. Old man, take a look at your life and
shut the fuck up.
FRANK ZAPPA
Honestly, this list just needed a “Z,” and this person probably sucks.
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