Pull Your Damn Guitars Up!

WHY YOU LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE WHEN YOUR GUITAR STRAP IS TOO LOW

  I view these kids who play with their guitars too low in much the same way I view these kids who walk around with their pants hanging around their God damn ankles.

 

 It doesn't make you look cool, it just makes you look like an ignorant, uneducated piece of trash.

You kids pull your god damn guitars back up!

I'm almost 40 now. Since life expectancy these days is roughly 78 years, that technically puts me in middle age. My beef with douchebags who wear their guitars too low makes me the musical version of the angry old man who's always yelling at the neighborhood kids to 'get the hell off my lawn!' 

I believe in first impressions. For example, when I see someone wearing their pants around their ankles I get the impression that this is someone who mistakenly believes they look good when they really don't and are willing to stick to this erroneous belief even at risk of ridicule, unemployment and profiling by law enforcement. 

When I see someone wearing their guitar too low I get the impression that this too is someone who mistakenly believes they look good when they really don't, and that "looking good with the guitar" is ultimately more important than anything you actually play on the guitar. 

   And as a lifelong guitar player, I hold the instrument in a much higher regard. Yes the way you play is important because playing a certain way is better for your technique. 

 I also believe that if you wanna play great music then you need to look like you're playing great music. 

But I think its disrepecting to the guitar and to all the great guitarists in history to view your guitar as nothing more than simply a fashion accessory. 

Wearing your guitar too low also hinders the rest of your band as it doesn't present the music very well. If you truly did care about image then you would never wear your guitar like that.

  What do you think presents the music better?

  someone who wears their guitar this?

or 

someone who wears their guitar this?

 

 Besides, the lower your guitar hangs, the harder it is on your fret hand wrist, and your technique will suffer as a result. 

  In the photo above, Prince, shows how its done. You should have the guitar no higher or lower than belt level. This length looks best and is easy on the wrist, unless you have short alligator arms which in that case you may need to stop reading this and seriously consider changing hobbies.

 CORRECT. One again take note of the fret hand wrist and how it is resting in a natural, un-inverted position.

 Incorrect. Playing like this will also make you an alcoholic and will eventually kill you as Steve Clark has already so masterfully shown us. 

 

Correct

Incorrect 

A NOTE ON JIMMY PAGE

Techically, I would call this too low, but Jimmy Page is an exception to the rule. His arms are so damn long that he can comfortably play this low. Note how his fret hand wrist is still in a natural, unbent position. 

  Also, he's not calling attention to the fact he's playing low. 

He's doing it with class unlike the following douches below...

   

HOWEVER

  

If you're wearing pants and you wear 'em too low you look like an asshole but if you wear them too high you also look like an asshole. 

Don't rest the guitar on your belly, it looks lazy. Also note how wearing the guitar too high also leads to the un-natural position of the fret hand wrist.

Besides, wearing your guitar that high does not give the impression of confidence. It just makes it look like you're trying too hard, and you have not yet reached the level where you can just let it rip without a care in the world

like this...

Who do you think looks like the more confident, able guitarist? 

 

 someone who plays like this

  

someone who plays like this?

or 

 like this?

The first two DOUCHEBAGS just look like they're playing guitar. 

Hendrix and Gilmour look like THE GUITAR IS PLAYING THEM.

And that right there is the next level I want you to reach. 

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The Pussification of Today's Youth, & the Castration of Todays' Rock Music

Part I: Why Today's Music Sucks

"Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children?" - Bill Hicks


 I would like to say that todays new music sucks. 

  I would LIKE to say that, but the fact is that I can't because I don't listen to today's music. I don't find anything currently going in music, appealing enough to get me to turn on a radio. 

 About five minutes ago I looked thru the Billboard Hot 100 Chart to see if I could find anything familiar. These are the results. 

Songs I've Heard: 0 out of 100

Artists I've Heard of: 14 out of 100

Artists I've Heard ANYTHING From: 2 out of 14

 I think my biggest problem with today's music, today's musicians and today's youth in general is that their musical tastes are too varied. 

Yeah that's right, I said it...Why am I saying that? Shut up, I'm gonna tell you why!

  It seems to me that all music today is a crossover over everything else. Country music artists trying to cross over into rock so they can target that market of rock fans. Rock fans crossing over into Rap to pick up that new market of Rap people. And since I don't consider rap either musical or artistic I'm not going write about, nor do I give a shit about about anything thats going on with that garbage. 

  If everything sounds like everything else, whats does it matter what the hell you're listening to? 

  What do you think would taste better, mixing every flavor of ice cream into one  unintelligible mess, or one solid flavor that stands out and combines nothing else?

   Music has been taken over  by marketing. 

 'If you're a rock band, you can't be too rock and roll because that will alienate your crossover fans and we need that market."

 "If you're a country artist you have to be rocked out a little because we gotta get into that rock crossover market."

  "If you're a rock band you can't have a sex, drugs and rock n roll image because there's no market in that these days and you'll never be able to get your lead singer as a judge on America's new reality show, "I'm only famous because I'm on TV."

 "If you're a rock band you can't rock out too hard either. We need to water it down, make it a little more 'Pop Music Sounding' because the teeny bopper pop music market is huge and we need to be able to reach that market."

BRING THE SEX & DRUGS BACK TO ROCK MUSIC

Part II: Why Today's Youth Also Suck

  I was recently told by one of these youngsters that being a musician means liking and respecting all genres of music and not being judgmental or negative towards other musicians regardless of genre because after all, they're just trying to make a living.

  Furthermore, I was also basically told that, Sex, Drugs and Rock N Roll isn't cool anymore and that todays music is much better than anything a Guns N Roses or a Led Zeppelin could ever produce. Furthermore I was told that The Beatles never did anything original in their careers, and that todays rock music dominates over yesterdays music for the exact reason that it has been watered down under the ruse that it is 'more eclectic' and therefore superior to Classic Rock. 

  Futhermore, I was also told that being a musician is much cooler than being a rocker and that you can't be a real musician without liking and respecting rap music

  I said that, if thats the case, then I'd much rather be a Rocker then a Musician any day. I first picked up a guitar at age 9 not in hope that maybe one day I would grow up to be a open minded, well-rounded musician that could appreciate and respect all styles of music. I picked up that fukking guitar because I wanted to ROCK!!!

What do I think of that Youngsters Statements? 

What Else do I Think of That?

  Wanna know why rock music sucks these days? because there is no rock music these days! It's all either rock/pop, rock/rap, rock/country...

IN CONCLUSION

   You know that old racist grandfather who always uses the N word and their behavior is always being excused by statements such as,

  "Oh he just comes from a different time, thats all."

   I guess I'm the musical equivalent of that old racist grandfather. In my day if you liked rock, then by default that meant that you hated rap music and you despised country music. 

I DEMAND RIGIDLY DEFINED BOUNDARIES OF MUSICAL PREJUDICE!

   "FUCK THAT I WANT MY ROCKSTARS DEAD!" - Bill Hicks

     I want my rockstars to party hard.

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The Five Stages of Rock: Stage 4 & 5

  

 

   The depression that characterizes Stage 3, turns into pleasant surprise as Stage 4 unfolds.  Several important landmarks signify the onset of Stage 4:



* For the first time you hear one of your favorite teenage songs on the classic rock station.

* You see one of those record compilation commercials for a CD of music from your "youth"  Like my favorite "Freedom Rock,"
 
* "I'll never drink again," turns into "I can't drink anymore like I  used to."



   This is the age where, as Chris Rock put it, you're now, "the old guy in the club." Not old, but just a little too old to be in the club. You think its weird funny at first, hearing your old favorite songs on the classic rock station. You go get your hair cut and you make a joke that references an old movie that you like and the girl has no idea what you're talking about. 
   You're at the mall, shopping with you wife, because she says you never want to do anything with her, and you don't see the point because all you end up doing anyways is just sitting in that seat outside the dressing room reserved for miserable, married men who've been castrated by their wives, and you just keep checking your Facebook over and over again, then you notice out of the corner of your eyes, this group of hot giggling girls and you realize that those teenage girls you're looking at are old enough to be your daughters. 

Yeah thats a lot like what Stage 4 is like. 

   Musically, Stage 4, is like a man torn between two lovers. On one hand you got your old favorites, but you don't hear them in clubs anymore. You only hear them in bars when people put it on the jukebox, on a night when nobody is there, or some group of youngsters sing it as a karaoke goof. 
After a few years, that gets old.


   You try to stay on top of new music, but with every passing year it gets harder. For example I just looked at the current Billboard Top Ten. Eight names I've never, ever heard of. One name I've heard people mention but I've never heard anything they've ever done, and one person I think I saw on an acne commercial once or twice. 
   I used to love watching The Grammys and the MTV music awards, but I can't anymore because I don't know who the hell anyone is. 

   And not that I want to anyways. Everything just sounds like crap. 

   So by the time you figure out that you can't keep up with modern music anymore, you don't really care anyways.

   There are a few newer artists making music nowadays that I find interesting, like The Black Keys, or The Mars Volta, who I listened to a couple years ago. But I couldn't tell you much about them or how many records they've put out and I really only heard their songs a few times, agreed that yeah, they're ok, and then never heard them again. It's just really hard for me to make room for new artists these days.

   I've heard quite a few Radiohead songs, they're music is good, but I don't know much about them and don't know if they're still making albums. 


   I really like System of a Down, but I think they broke up.


   I've always liked the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but I don't keep up with them, I didn't get into the last album they did and I don't know if they've put anything out recently. 


   I like the foo fighters but I'm only familiar with the songs they play on the radio.

   I'm not a big fan of modern heavy metal these days. I never thought I would ever say this, but its just getting too damn noisy for me to enjoy. I find it either annoying with the "cookie monster vocals," that is if they're still doing the cookie monster vocals thing, and if they're not I really don't care, cuz I don't wanna listen to it anyways. 

   Once in a while when I'm in the mood I might listen to System of a Down, but my headbanging days are pretty much over. 


   The artists on my I-phone today include, The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, Nirvana, The Ramones, The Misfits, Danzig (his first two solo albums only), Social Distortion, Iggy Pop, Velvet Undergound, Sex Pistols,David Bowie...


   I'll be 39 this fall. I've probably got more time behind me than ahead of me now. I've found my comfort zone- musically, and thats where I want to stay. I'm pushing 40, and there's no way I want to be one of those 40 year old douchebags pretending to be all hip with all the kids music and fashions n shit. 

   This is the latter half of stage 4. Other interesting things start happening too. Those pains in your knees and back that you occasionally wake up with, are becoming more frequent. You say its because, "you must've slept wrong last night." but who are you fooling? you have a tempur pedic mattress. 


   You drink Pepsi, not because it makes you feel young, but because it helps you burp. You stay away from pizza and beer not because you're watching your weight but because it gives you excruciating indigestion. You go out on Friday night, not because you're ready to party, but because its you and your wife's predetermined 'date night' and while you're not too thrilled about going out because one of you has to stay sober so they can drive, and this week its your turn, but still it beats staying at home and having to deal with the kids and all their bullshit.  


OK ENOUGH SERIOUS SHIT, LET'S TAKE A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE BREAK, SHALL WE?

___________________________________________

Wow, that was a lot, let's go over what we've covered so far

   

Stage 4

* Begins with the enjoyment of the novelty of things you used to listen to, being relegated to the ranks of nostalgia.

* Attempts to hang on to your youth, stay hip and pretend you're not getting older.

* Eventual resignation and acceptance combined with extreme 'south park-like' cynicism where everything begins to sound and look like shit.

 ____________________________________________

Stage 5? 

   I'm not too sure about what stage 5 is. I'm still in the last part of stage 4 and I don't see that changing any time soon. 

But I have some projections. It's hard though, considering I never, ever thought I would make it to thirty, and rock and roll doesn't really have an old timers day. Know what I mean?

* If you're lucky, you will enter old age, beat up but still functional and looking descent(considering the heavy mileage you've got) and still able to rock out without making it seem like you're trying to hard like a douchebag in denial.

 

* You end up as one of those "rapping granny" type old people. haha, oh how cute! it's so great to see someone your age still being active and refusing to give in to old age...uh, um ok you can stop now, becuz its starting to get creepy.

 

 * You end up just an old cynical asshole. The new music sounds like shit. The old music you've heard too many times, and you're tired of it...Reminds me of a Pink Floyd Song...

You shuffle in gloom of the sickroom
And talk to yourself as you die.

 - Free Four, Pink Floyd.

The Five Stages of Rock N Roll: Stage 1

Stage 1: 'F*CK YEAH MOTHERF*CKER!!'

   I was an angry, hateful teenager. I hated school, teachers, the students, their parents, my parents, organized religion...messy religion (haha) the good looking girls that shunned me, the ugly girls that thought they were good looking and who also shunned me as well as the jocks, preppies, math nerds, science nerds. art fags, drama fags, cowboys, rappers, goths, punk rockers, skin heads, cholos, and those guys that all they ever talked about were muscle cars, or guns. I was a stoner, metalhead, rocker, hessian (I never understood hessian, how are headbangers and german mercenaries from the 18th century alike?) and I even hated most of the other stoner-metalheads. 

   So I listened to angry music. Metallica (until they put out the Black Album) Megadeth, Anthrax, Slayer, among many others. Grew my hair long and wore black, experimented with drugs, got into some trouble with the law, never got laid, never had a girlfriend, never had a date, never went to a dance, didn't go to prom, never showed up at school for picture day. 

Highlights of Stage 1

• Age 13: I had drank before but at 13 was the first time I got really drunk
•  
• Age 14: started smoking cigarettes
•  
• Age 14: Smoked weed
•  
• Age 14: First time I was allowed to go with my cousins to the bars in Mexico. 
• 
  
• Age 15: First concert, Metallica w/Queensryche
•  
• Age 15: Tried LSD, which became somewhat of a semi-regular habit.
• 
  
• Age 16: Was hanging out with a group of 20-something homeless drug addicts. I would often disappear for days at a time, sleeping under bridges or on church rooftops.
• 
  
•  Ran away from home at age 16/17 (can't remember now) to Santa Barbara , CA where I lived in a car with three people I didn't know.  While we were there we broke into a car, stole some dudes weed stash, went shopping while I watched the people I was with bounce an $800 check for groceries, and went to one of the dudes girlfriends house where, while he was talking to her in the house, I was "drafted" to sneak into the guest house to take the "money machine" - one of those big crystal water jugs full of change and bills. This financed our trip back to Phoenix.
•  

My first DUI at age 17


    I was a rotten kid. I hated myself, and everyone around me. I was impossible to keep control of. There was nothing you could do or say to me. You couldn't take away my shit, because I didn't have anything. You couldn't ground me, I would sneak out. 

   You could try knocking me around, but I would knock you right back. I never minded getting hurt or beat up a little, bruises and wounds heal. So the threat of physical punishment meant nothing to me. 
 
   The Way I saw it, everybody takes a beating sometime. - Henry Hill, from Goodfellas.


  Besides a certain amount of pain is good. It lets you know you're still alive. Sometimes you can be so helplessly depressed, that you'll believe that THE ONLY way to feel anything else is to experience pain. At least thats how I used to see it. I spent my fair share of time carving anarchy symbols and pentagrams on my forearms.
 _____________________________________________________


   By the time I was 21, I had long been using alcohol and drugs to self medicate myself. When I was in hyperactive mode, alcohol or weed helped calm me down. When I was depressed or having the usual racing thoughts then alcohol killed all thought in my brain, like 'liquid meditation,' if you know what I mean. And if you know what I mean, then congrats because that means you are f*cking cool as hell. You're the Kitties Titties!

   But the thing with weed was that I never had any money because I could never hold down a job. Besides, I hate always having to 'score' all the time, and in the days before cell phones scoring weed could be a major pain in the ass. I tried growing it on a few occassions but that never worked. So if it was around I would smoke it, if I had money and the opportunity came along, I would buy. If a friend had some and was busting out with everyone else, count me in, but I never went out of my way for it, and alcohol is so much easier to take.  


   And of course there is the music....

  Back in the 80's my world revolved around Metallica. 'I celebrated their entire catalog.' For my money there was just no other band that was as hard, and fast, while still managing to remain melodic. "Master of Puppets" is a masterpiece. I loved the progressive tone of the album, 8 minute+ songs with three main riffs and at least two guitar solos. This was all lost with the Black Album, but we'll get to that in stage 2. Metal, and headbanging, moshing, thrashing on my guitar was the only way I could let out all the anger I was feeling.

   But why the hell are you so angry in Stage 1, When the Music is so F*kkin Cool?

   I was angry for a lot of reasons but besides the fact that your hormones are in overdrive, most of my anger had to do with being ostracized, left out, hunted, despised...

Home, I have no home, hunted, despised, living like an Animal!

   Years before I entered high school and my teenage years, my social fate was sealed as the oddball, the weird dude, the one who doesn't say much. The, "yeah he's alright but he's just a little..off, you know" 

   Stage 1 is where you really begin to realize this, but you are in denial of it. You still haven't accepted your fate by removing yourself of all labels and "types"... and by types, I mean that you no longer feel the need to have to be either a rocker or a jock, or a preppy, or a theater geek, whatever... 

   All you know is that your situation sucks and you don't how to fix it. The anger is a byproduct of this resistance to the way things are. And since it seems that the harder you try to fit in, the more you just stand out, there is only one thing to do...Smoke cigarettes, get drunk on cheap beer, get stoned on bad weed, and turn the music up louder than you secretly admit is reasonable, just so you can get a kick out of telling whoever asks you to turn it down, to f*ck off.

   I got kicked out of many public buses for not turning my walkman down. And I'm talking about the old ass walkmans, the ones that used 4 AA batteries instead of two. Now those f*kkers were noisy.

________________________________________________________

Ok I've Covered A lot, So Let me Explain...

 

  The Five Stages of Rock

Stage 1: F*ck Yeah Motherf*cker!

• Raging Hormones
• Misplaced Aggression
• Realization that the teenage social status boundaries have already been drawn
• Accompanied by the realization that, that means you're pretty much screwed.
• Cheap beer, bad sex (if you're lucky) good drugs. (if you're real lucky)

• Kick ass tunes. 

Next Time: The Five Stages of Rock, Stage 2

 

 

 

 

Silvertone SS10 Guitar & Amp Package, Black - Guitars

 

Elvis People vs Beatles People

Deleted scene from Pulp Fiction

   Quentin Tarrantino was right. There definitely are Elvis people and Beatles people. However those are not the only type of people out there. I give you just some of the other types of people out there that I've run across.

Filthy Hippie, Grateful Dead People.

__________________________________________

Gangsta Rap People

_____________________________________________

Heavy Metal People

_____________________________________________

KISS People *facepalm*

_____________________________________________________________

Lynyrd Skynyd People

____________________________________________

Nascar people

____________________________________________

People who pretend to be all Heavy Metal and rocked out, but walk around in plaid shorts, flip flops and shop at Armani People.

__________________________________________________

People who still think it's the 1980's people

__________________________________________

Star Wars People

      ____________________________________________________

Star Trek People

_________________________________

Doctor Who People

____________________________________

Intolerant People

_____________________________________________________________

White boy suburban gangsta people

_________________________________________________-

Led Zeppelin People

___________________________________________

Dread Zeppelin People

_____________________________________________

People who insist on making sarcastic comments about EVERYTHING people

__________________________________________________________

Fanboy nerds who as kids were ridiculed, teased and tormented by the popular cliques, who grew up only to band together to form their own cliques which are just as snobby, selective and excluding.

______________________________________

 Douchebags who have Celtic, Tribal, Chinese and Egyptian symbol tattoos, regardless of how ridiculous this clash of styles is, and even though they are not Celtic, Chinese, Egyptian, nor do they belong to a tribe People