Combing The Mirror: The State of My Union Address: And Why I PrettyMuch Suck Right Now

  Thought I'd post this on my blog, so no one can accuse me of using Facebook as a platform to whine and cry. At least if you're here, you're here by choice.

   My wife is divorcing me. I haven't been home in 2 weeks, I am not being spoken to. Calls are not being returned. Emails not answered. Doors are not being opened. You understand?

  I'm penniless, and soon to be homeless. Just as my wife finally got tired of my bullshit, my parents have pretty much tired of it too.

  The good news? It appears I've found a job. It's not the greatest job. It's a dead end job with little pay and no room for advancement, but its doing something I'm really going to enjoy. I am looking for a second job too. However I may not have enough time to get the money together that I need to move out. I'm waiting to pass the background check so I can hopefully start work next monday, but we'll see.

  I feel like the boy who cried wolf. Similar situations have happened so many times now that nobody really gives a shit how I'm feeling. It's just crazy old me, being his crazy old self. But this is different.

  I'm experiencing fear: 

of being 40 years old and alone, 

who's gonna want a 40 year old two time looser.

of being homeless,

 fear of being unloved/unlovable,

 fear because I don't know what the hell I'm going to do.

  I'm experiencing guilt:

that I was a total asshole and drove away the very people I didn't wanna loose. that I                               

the same shit that I always do
and blow it every God damn time.

 I'm beating myself up: 

for blowing what I sure was my last chance at a happy romantic life.

  I'm experiencing incredible sadness

:because I have no one to talk to. that just like last time, this divorce will cost me my friends,

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Now the video on top is interesting. What David Icke says about the human soul is what a lot of Eastern Religion and people like Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle have been saying for a while now. But I love the image that he tells of trying to change your world by changing whats on the outside is like trying to comb your hair by combing the mirror. Unfortunately, if you continue to read into David Icke, you'll find he has a wonderful view of the human soul and spirit but his message is also sprinkled with tales of aliens, conspiracies, the illuminati, and reptile people. But what he says about the human soul and consciousness is spot on.

  

  It's true that while the eyes take in the light of objects, it's the brain that does the "seeing" the brain is telling the eyes what to look at! What it decides to look at is based on our past conditioning. It's literally true that when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.

  I'll give you one better. You don't actually SEE anything! Your eyes are only taking in the light reflected off an object, light that is ultimately interpreted by the brain. You may see my soon to be ex stepdaughters play room and think, "oh how cute!" while I say, "Sheesh what a frikkin mess!" 

  And I'll give you even one better than that! we don't touch anything either. Before I can touch the table, the electrons in my hand react against the electrons in the table. Our brain is conditioned to believe we touch. Kinda like the matrix. 

  So we live in a world where nobody touches, or actually sees anything other than what mind believes is going on. We live in a giant hologram. This is all an illusion, and what we are is just one pure consciousness experiencing itself in different ways. What we see and experience is the reflection of ourselves. If we don't like what is happening then you gotta change whats inside. Otherwise your just combing the mirror. 

  I can understand that from an intellectual point of view. I have a knowing deep down inside that tells me this is so. But then my ego, takes over. My view of myself as only the body and mind, then it's like,

   well great we live in a hologram well right now my fukkin hologram of a wife is about to divorce me and my holographic emotions are making me feel like shit about it!

 But you gotta look within, otherwise all youre doing is combing the mirror.

  And don't worry, even though it was only two months since I was institutionalized for trying to kill myself, I'm not going to do anything stupid, other than sit around and pester my wife with text messages she's never going to answer, and read every god damn self help book in the library and watch every guru on youtube. 


  I'm trying not to comb the mirror.

The Five Stages of Rock: Stage 3

Too Much F*cking Perspective

Nigel: It really puts perspective on things, though, doesn't it?

David: Too much, there's too much fucking perspective now. 

- From This is Spinal Tap

   Stage 3 begins right around that magical age of 27. I was

 haunted by depressing thoughts during this period. This 

period of my mid-twenties was rough. After the end of my 

first marriage, I battled, depression, alcoholism, and drug use.

I made 2 suicide attempts during this time. 

BY AGE 27

* Hendrix,Morrison,Joplin,Robert Johnson,Kurt Cobain 

completed their bodies of work 

* Thomas Jefferson wrote The Declaration of

 Independence.

* Einstein had created the "Special Theory of Relativity."

* Steve Wozniak, Co-founded Apple Computer.

* Napoleon Conquered Italy

* Orson Welles directed Citizen Kane

 

   What the hell had I done? not a damn thing. I had always had these grand notions of me being a famous writer or musician, but now at 27 I was faced with a grim reality. 

Over 100 billion people have ever been born in all human history  and nobody has ever heard of most of them. Only a fraction of all those people have ever been famous, or well known for anything. The majority of people are born, live and die without leaving a trace that they were ever here, and you are most likely going to be one of them. 

   That's a hard pill to swallow. Where's Morpheus? I'd rather take the blue pill right about now, so I can go back to living in ignorant bliss.

 

   It sends a chill down your spine. It's like a slap in the face whenever

 you have that brief moment when you come face to face with 

your own mortality. It's not a thought,there are no words, 

it's just a feeling, that one day you will not be here, at least

in the form that you are currently familiar with.

   It was this realization along with the fact that I already had 

one failed marriage behind me, that sent me into a very 

dark place, where I stayed for several years. This period is 

stage 3, and it lasts for however long it takes you to get out

of it. There's that general sense of dread around age 27, 

the dread of 30 rapidly approaching, then the realization 

that your twenties are gone and middle age, for the 

first time is visible far away on the horizon. 

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   My musical tastes reflected this ever-present sense of dread.

 The Doors,Pink Floyd, Lou Reed & The Velvet Underground, 

Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails, Neil Young, Syd Barrett, David Bowie. 

The singer/songwriter for the first time had become the dominant 

voice in my life. Music that told of solitude,

loss, alienation, pain. The "I'm young and invincible, so let's 

party," attitude that was my musical life of my early twenties 

was over. 

Day after day, love turns grey
Like the skin of a dying man
Night after night, we pretend it's all right
But I have grown older and
You have grown colder and
Nothing is very much fun any more.

One of My Turns - From "The Wall" 

Pink Floyd: The Wall

   After my first marriage ended at age 26, I did nothing

but locked away in my home doing nothing but drinking and 

listening to Pink Floyd, The Wall for about a good 2 months. 

   The Wall is a case study in alienation, abandonment and 

isolation, and the kind of paranoia, and insanity that can arise 

as a result of 'building walls around yourself." 

   I love this album because I've always found solace in being 

able to identify with the alienation that the main character in

the album feels. It lets me know its ok to feel down, so listening 

to it is a very cathartic expeience. However, the main character 

inevitably feels guilty and tears down his wall and exposes 

himself to the outside world. So while I can identify with the 

isolation that pervades the album, there is also hope

that eventually I'll be able to "tear down my own wall as well. 

Syd Barrett

   Syd Barrett, was the founding member of Pink Floyd. I'm not

sure how many people know that. The Pink Floyd that most 

people know today is completely different than Syd Barrett's 

Floyd. All that remains from Barrett's time with the floyd, is 

one album "Piper at the Gates of Dawn," and the band's name

which it was given by Barrett himself. Legend has it, Barrett 

got the name from two blues records he owned by musicians, 

"Pink Anderson," and, "Floyd Council."

 Dark Globe - Syd Barrett

   Nobody really knows why but after recording their debut 

album, Barrett, gradually became insane. He lost touch with 

reality, and soon found himself kicked out the very band that 

he gave its name too. A couple albums of solo work were 

produced before dropping out of sight entirely in the mid-

seventies until his death in 2006.

   The recordings are raw and some say its a rambling mess 

of false starts, fumbled notes and off-key vocals, but personally

I think they're brilliant. It's literally the sound of insanity.

Barrett completely and unashamedly bares his soul on these

records and I find that alot more real that most of the crap, 

people try to pass off as music these days.

   The Doors

People fear death even more than pain. It's strange 
that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of 
death, the pain is over. Yeah, I guess it is a friend.

- Jim Morrison

   The Doors were one of the first really 'dark' bands to come 

along. People are Strange, The End, Riders on the Storm,  

are still some of the darkest songs out there. 

I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown.

- Jim Morrison

   I looked up to Jim Morrison in a way, during the depression

that followed my divorce. I felt so helpless that maybe if I too 

pursued a 'long, prolonged, derangement of the senses,' that 

maybe I would 'Break on Through to the other Side," and 

finally find peace and comfort there. 

The Velvet Underground

 

  For me, the Velvet Underground is just pure escapism. Venus in Furs, is just one of those songs that can pull you out of your reality and into another world. I'll let that song loop and replay for hours on end, while I just strum a Dm chord over and over, kinda a 'musical meditation.'

  

 

 

Heroin - Lou Reed & The Velvet Undergound

   The first time I heard Lou Reed sing "heroin" it kinda scared me in a way. It 

was disturbing to hear someone sing what almost appears to be a love song to 

a drug. 

It's my wife, and it's my life, haha.  

   With the droning guitar and Lou Reed's trippy sounding voice I like to close 

my eyes and space out to this song. It also inspires me to really bare my soul and don't 

hold back, anytime I'm trying to be creative.  

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   The depression and general overwhelming sense of dread 

pervaded begining of my mid-twenties gave way to a high 

period that lasted into my early/mid thirties. 

   But this was nothing more than a lame attempt to hold on to

my early twenties. This period of drinking, partying and 

screwing around was also my way of dealing with my divorce. 

This 'lost weekend' lasted well over five years. 

   Lots of hanging out in bars, where strange dudes would 

offer you even stranger drugs...

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 Ok, I've covered alot of ground so let me explain... 

Stage 3

* The 'mid-twenties' blues

* Desperately trying to party away the fact that 

   yer gonna be 30 soon

* Musical tastes begin to shift from loud, party, sex, drugs 

   and rock n roll, and start to incorporate more deep, emotional

   and intellectual stimulating themes.

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Coming up next time, Stage 4