Combing The Mirror: The State of My Union Address: And Why I PrettyMuch Suck Right Now

  Thought I'd post this on my blog, so no one can accuse me of using Facebook as a platform to whine and cry. At least if you're here, you're here by choice.

   My wife is divorcing me. I haven't been home in 2 weeks, I am not being spoken to. Calls are not being returned. Emails not answered. Doors are not being opened. You understand?

  I'm penniless, and soon to be homeless. Just as my wife finally got tired of my bullshit, my parents have pretty much tired of it too.

  The good news? It appears I've found a job. It's not the greatest job. It's a dead end job with little pay and no room for advancement, but its doing something I'm really going to enjoy. I am looking for a second job too. However I may not have enough time to get the money together that I need to move out. I'm waiting to pass the background check so I can hopefully start work next monday, but we'll see.

  I feel like the boy who cried wolf. Similar situations have happened so many times now that nobody really gives a shit how I'm feeling. It's just crazy old me, being his crazy old self. But this is different.

  I'm experiencing fear: 

of being 40 years old and alone, 

who's gonna want a 40 year old two time looser.

of being homeless,

 fear of being unloved/unlovable,

 fear because I don't know what the hell I'm going to do.

  I'm experiencing guilt:

that I was a total asshole and drove away the very people I didn't wanna loose. that I                               

the same shit that I always do
and blow it every God damn time.

 I'm beating myself up: 

for blowing what I sure was my last chance at a happy romantic life.

  I'm experiencing incredible sadness

:because I have no one to talk to. that just like last time, this divorce will cost me my friends,

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Now the video on top is interesting. What David Icke says about the human soul is what a lot of Eastern Religion and people like Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle have been saying for a while now. But I love the image that he tells of trying to change your world by changing whats on the outside is like trying to comb your hair by combing the mirror. Unfortunately, if you continue to read into David Icke, you'll find he has a wonderful view of the human soul and spirit but his message is also sprinkled with tales of aliens, conspiracies, the illuminati, and reptile people. But what he says about the human soul and consciousness is spot on.

  

  It's true that while the eyes take in the light of objects, it's the brain that does the "seeing" the brain is telling the eyes what to look at! What it decides to look at is based on our past conditioning. It's literally true that when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.

  I'll give you one better. You don't actually SEE anything! Your eyes are only taking in the light reflected off an object, light that is ultimately interpreted by the brain. You may see my soon to be ex stepdaughters play room and think, "oh how cute!" while I say, "Sheesh what a frikkin mess!" 

  And I'll give you even one better than that! we don't touch anything either. Before I can touch the table, the electrons in my hand react against the electrons in the table. Our brain is conditioned to believe we touch. Kinda like the matrix. 

  So we live in a world where nobody touches, or actually sees anything other than what mind believes is going on. We live in a giant hologram. This is all an illusion, and what we are is just one pure consciousness experiencing itself in different ways. What we see and experience is the reflection of ourselves. If we don't like what is happening then you gotta change whats inside. Otherwise your just combing the mirror. 

  I can understand that from an intellectual point of view. I have a knowing deep down inside that tells me this is so. But then my ego, takes over. My view of myself as only the body and mind, then it's like,

   well great we live in a hologram well right now my fukkin hologram of a wife is about to divorce me and my holographic emotions are making me feel like shit about it!

 But you gotta look within, otherwise all youre doing is combing the mirror.

  And don't worry, even though it was only two months since I was institutionalized for trying to kill myself, I'm not going to do anything stupid, other than sit around and pester my wife with text messages she's never going to answer, and read every god damn self help book in the library and watch every guru on youtube. 


  I'm trying not to comb the mirror.