Why I Was Sent to a Mental Hospital: As Told By Pink Floyd

  
 Ok, so I fell into some old patterns of self-destructive behavior last week that ended with me spending a couple of days (voluntarily, mind you) in a mental institution. Here's what happened, and to make it entertaining and not some sentimental, bleeding-heart crap, I'm going to let Pink Floyd help me explain what went down.

   At the begining of last week, I was begining to get stressed out and preoccupied with some nagging thoughts. It was nearing the end of the month and finances were getting tight, as they usually do until payday at the beginning of the month. My wife was starting to get a little worried about how we were gonna juggle things around so we could make it to the first of the month.

  

   I haven't been able to work in a while. I'm not proud of that. I've berated and tormented myself for that incessantly. I see myself as a failure of a human, a man, a husband and a parent because of my mental health issues these days. I spend my days trying to find work doing something I will enjoy instead of conintuing to take jobs that I'm simply not mentally suited for but pay well. I try to keep the house clean, and make sure everyone has clean clothes and is well fed but sometimes that isn't enough. It's times like this, at the end of the month when you're trying to keep the wolves at bay while you wait for that begining of the month paycheck, when I take a lot of heat and resentment. This negatively affects my marriage and the atmosphere of the house is thick with resentment, passive-aggressive hostility, and bad vibes. I'm dealing with my own constant self hating, abusive, derogatory chatter in my head, a desire to do anything to be more productive, frustration that I can't seem to do anything right, and the sadness of watching my already volatile marriage, fade away.

Day after day love turns gray
Like the skin on a dying man.
And night after night we pretend it's all right.
But I have grown older, and
You have grown colder, and
Nothing is very much fun any more.
And I can feel one of my turns coming on.
I feel cold as a razor blade,
Tight as a tourniquet,
Dry as a funeral drum.

-One of My Turns, The Wall

   When things are going good at home, and I'm taking medications as I'm supposed and making my therapy and psychiatrist visits, I have no physical urge to drink at all and staying sober is not a problem. Its when life gets hard, and I start to get anxious and depressed that I bring alcohol into the equation. When I drink, I think I'm blowing off steam and relaxing, but what its really doing is making all my medications ineffective. That ultimately makes me mentally unstable and that can put me in serious danger.

Run to the bedroom,
In the suitcase on the left
You'll find my favorite axe.
Don't look so frightened,
This is just a passing phase,
One of my bad days.

  Started drinking in the evenings, not binge drinking but it was enough to counteract with my medications. I grew gradually more unhinged as the week progressed. What started as a small, slightly stressfull problem, snowballed into a complete f*cking nightmare. A dark, ugly side to me gradually began to take over. I was no longer able to make rational decisions. I could feel it happening but I was powerless to do anything about it. That feeling of desperation and you're watching your sanity slip away make your heart wanna explode out of your chest, and makes you sick to your stomach. I tried a couple times to talk to my wife I would conclude that she did not look like she wanted to talk to me, so I kept silent.

Ooooh babe, don't leave me now.
Don't say it's the end of the road.
Remember the flowers I sent.
I need you, babe
To put through the shredder
In front of my friends.
Ooooh babe, don't leave me now.
How could you go?
When you know how I need you
To beat to a pulp on a Saturday night
Ooooh babe, don't leave me now.
How can you treat me this way?
Running away. 

-Don't Leave Me Now, The Wall

  

 I ended up blaming my wife. It was her fault I didn't talk to her about this earlier because she didn't look like she was in the mood to talk to me. Yeah I know now how stupid that is. But in my mental state at the time, I was incapable of seeing past my own resentment. I got booted from the house, and I verbally assaulted my wife something fierce. I thought that if I could piss her off and get her really  mad at me, I would have an excuse to be mad at her, and I wouldn't regret my actions.

But it was only fantasy.
The wall was too high, as you can see.
No matter how he tried, he could not break free.
And the worms ate into his brain.

  Eventually the booze wore off and the anger fizzeled out and I realized what I did, and I became, despondent and hopelessly depressed. I made two attempts to reach out for help, but they were half-assed attempts at best, I was scared to admit to exactly just how depressed I was and embarassed to ask for exactly the kind of help I needed. Again I blamed others for not listening to me, even though I didn't tell them what I actually needed. My thoughts turned dark, I was in territory I had never been before, I had ventured too far out to find my way back home. I ended up in the emergency room where I spent the evening under watch. I was eventually presented with the option of either going home or voluntariliy entering a "mental health facility" where I could more intensive treatment.

Goodbye cruel world,
I'm leaving you today.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Goodbye, all you people,
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind.
Goodbye.

   Yeah I skipped some parts there. There are some roads in this story that I'm not going to revisit again. Sorry.

  I've got a little black book with my poems in.
Got a bag with a toothbrush and a comb in.
When I'm a good dog they sometimes throw me a bone in.
I got elastic bands keeping my shoes on.
Got those swollen hand blues.
I've got thirteen channels of shit on the T.V. to choose from.
I've got electric light.
And I've got second sight.
I've got amazing powers of observation.
And that is how I know
When I try to get through
On the telephone to you
There will be nobody home.

   I started to panic when I realized that even though I was there voluntarily, the Doctors still had the ability to petition to keep me there. I'm not certain on the exact rules, I was a little too busy going f*cking crazy to look them all up. Not being able to leave the building and having your every move watched and only having visitors for two hours a day,and not being able to check myself out got me so worked up I had to be sedated during the day and given sleeping pills at night in addition to my regular meds which already KFO the hell outta me at night anyways.

  Now here's where things get better. At the end of that first night, I told myself that if I keep up the freaking out and demanding to leave that they will REALLY never let me out of here then. The only way through this was to accept it, and use all the resources available to me. Sure I could've just hid out in my room the entire time and told them what they wanted to hear, but when I looked back at all the damage and pain I've caused everyone not to mention the fact I've likely destroyed the marriage for good. I realized that this is probably my last chance, at everything.

  I awoke the next morning feeling like myself for the first time in many months. I nicely asked for, and was granted full privileges, and I attended every group therapy and activity that I could, and spend many hours talking talking to the nurses. I am so grateful to them. I'm sure they have tons of stuff to do, but whenever I needed it, they were always willing to sit and talk with me for as long as I wanted. That was as rewarding as all the group therapy and talks with my doctors, therapists and case workers put together.

I don't need no arms around me.
And I don't need no drugs to calm me.
I have seen the writing on the wall.

   I learned to not be afraid to ask for what I want. I learned that I cannot mix alcohol with my medications. And that my medications DO work, for me when I take them correctly and go to therapy regularly. But most importantly I learned that I don't have to let my mind run the show. My mind has its own agenda, and I can learn to use my mind and not let my mind use me. That time I spent at that place was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

  I told the nurse, therapist and doctor as I was leaving how thankful I was for this whole experience. I told them that if I can continue to use the tools they gave me there, that I was certain that one day when I'm old and all is said and done, I can look back to this time right now and say, "That was the turning point, right there! That was the thing that turned everything around for me. "

  I have a massive bill from this, no insurance, and very expensive medications I need to figure out how I'm going to afford, and shink visits that I have no idea how to pay for. My wife has expressed her desire to have me back at home if she can see that I actually am being proactive and taking charge of my progress, but nothing is for certain at this time. Despite the best of intentions on both out parts, I am well aware that our marriage may be too far gone to save. But I'm content. I'm at peace, and with all this crap that I could easily focus on, identify with and make myself miserable. For once in my life, I'm deciding to challenge my usual negative patterns of thinking.

  Instead coming out of the looney bin with the same old problems, and crap waiting for me. I'm content, because I've chosen to see it this way. I have a wife who is trying her best to get past this so we can be together, I got parents who care enough to make sure I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. I've been given great resources that will continue to help me. It's just as realistic to be positive as it is to be negative.

   It's been said that the only thing you can change is yourself, not the world, not others. It's easy to hear that and understand it, but I've finally been able to realize, and feel the truth of that. And thats why I'm optimistic for the future, but focused on now. Now, is all you have.

  And I also realized how happiness can be just the little things that you miss when they are taken away from you. Like being able to listen to music, or walk outside and take a walk, or have bathroom privacy. A visit from a loved one.

  And music helped me connect to the other people in that place with me. People who were facing things a helluva lot worse than I was. When you're in a place like that, the one thing you don't wanna talk about (except in group therapy) is what landed you in there. You wanna keep the mood light and when you're hanging out in the day room heavily sedated, music was the one thing that connected us, the one thing that all us loonies had in common. Music is a language that anyone can understand. As long there is music, you can find a friend anywhere.

 I'll see you on the darkside of the moon...