Why Kerry King Sucks

  I'm sick of hearing how great a guitarist Slayer's Kerry King is, and how his playing is extremely unique and integral to Slayer's chaotic sound.  Kerry King sucks and here's why:

HE APPEARED IN A SUM 41 VIDEO

Sum 41 sucks. They're nothing but pop rock, pop rap and pop metal. They suck in three different genres. If you affiliate yourself with them, then you suck.

 HE APPEARED IN A BEASTIE BOYS VIDEO

again very, very lame. The Beastie Boys are nothing but Top 40, white boy, fraternity party rap. If you affiliate yourself with them, then you suck.

HIS SOLOS ARE JUST HORRIBLE

I fucking dare you to listen to this entire video and then tell me there is anything technical or skillful going on there. I'll let the actual solos speak for themselves. Just because it's fast doesn't mean its good. Saying something is good just because its fast is like saying that just because you can type 120wpm that you're going to write a bestselling novel.

HIS RIFFS ALL SOUND THE SAME

 

First I dare you to even make it through this entire video. Second I dare you to tell me that he doesn't sound like he's playing the exact same riff over and over again.  Again, just because its fast, doesn't mean its good. That's like saying my shitty 1984 Ford Tempo is a good car just because it could go over 100mph.

HIS TATTOOS ARE LAME

Tribal tattoos? really? 

In It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia—the only sitcom of the past decade worth watching—two of the main characters have the following exchange regarding tribal tattoos:

“Those are really original, by the way.”
“They’re tribal.”
“I’m sorry? What tribe are you from?”

The only people who can get away with having tribals on their flesh are MMA fighters, and that’s solely down to the fact that nobody in their right mind would openly mock them for it. If you’re thinking of getting tribal tattoos, just get yourself a T-shirt that says, “I have no imagination” instead. It will be infinitely cheaper and a whole lot less embarrassing to be seen in public with.

 HE LOOKS AT HIS GUITAR WHEN HE PLAYS

It doesn't present the music well when you stare at the guitar when you play and it doesn't present confidence either. I wrote a whole blog about this topic that you can read HERE. 

  What do you think is better someone who stares at their guitar when they play like Kerry King? 

Or someone who doesn't stare at their guitar when they play like this?

HE WEARS HIS GUITAR STRAP TOO LOW

Again, I've written an entire blog about wearing your guitars too low and you can read about it HERE. 

I view people who wear their guitars too low in much the same way I view homeboy kids who wear their pants too low. If you think it makes you look cool, it really doesn't. 

 So in summation, besides the fact that Kerry King is a douche with stupid tattoos who claims to be metal but works with rappers and pop stars, he's just a sorry excuse of a musician. He has no idea how to hold  a guitar, and when he's playing he can't take his eyes off what he's playing like a confident skillful guitarist would do, and he's just a shitty guitarist whose solos are just a barrage of unintelligible notes all while he's raping that whammy bar. His riffs are all exactly the same and nothing he has ever played has ever made anyone go, "wow, how did he do that?!" 

  I once had a woman tell me that you can tell a lot about how a guitarist is in bed by how he plays guitar.  Still think fast is good?

 

Why BB King Sucks

For someone who is supposed to be a Bluesman, BB King sure does look happy. I mean does BB King really look like he has, “The Blues” right here? 

I just find it hard to believe that someone adorned in gold rings, a crushed velvet suit and a $10,000.00 guitar with gold plated pickups has “The Blues.” What could you possibly have the The Blues about?

So why else does B.B. King suck.

HE DOESN'T PLAY CHORDS!

What kind of guitarist doesn't play chords? That's like driving a car but saying that do make left hand turns.

HE SITS DOWN TO PLAY

 
I don't care how old you are, you need to be standing up when you play. 

HE ADMITS IT HIMSELF 

 BB King recently performed a show in St. Louis that was so bad that he had to apoloize for it, but he blamed it on being off his diabetes medication and being tired after a long bus ride.  That's no excuse. When you're a rich and famous professional musician charging money for people to hear you play, not being rested or not taking your medication is no excuse.

 So besides the fact that all his songs sound the same, and he doesn't do anything except pentatonic bends and he doesn't present his music well because he sits down to play and he's a rich and famous musician who probably doesn't want for anything yet claims to have "The Blues" The real reason BB King sucks is the fact that such a supposedly influential guitarist can't play chords. That is unforgivable. To be real "King" of the guitar means to master all aspects of it...including chords.

 

Why Esteban and His Shitty Guitars Suck

So who the fuck is this guy and what's the deal with his guitars?

Esteban is actually Stephen Paul from Pittsburgh, PA.

He is the...ahem..."guitar master" (cough..cough..bullshit...cough..cough) that can be found from time-to-time peeking from beneath his black leather hat dressed up like fucking Zorro, on late night infomercials and on Home Shopping Network, trying to sell his crappy guitars. 

So how did Stephen become Esteban? 

Legend has it that he was given the name from none other than Andres Segovia who he claims to have studied with. 

In reality the only thing that's for certain is that Esteban did meet with Segovia at least once and he autographed a book for him...something he did probably thousands of times for thousands of fans.
I think it's prudent that this be known. Segovia had died before he could be questioned about Esteban. Esteban's self-proclaimed skill learned from Segovia cannot be verified since Segovia can't actually speak for himself.

According to his Wikipedia page he also studied music at Carnegie Mellon University, was involved in a car crash that left him unable to play guitar for ten years and was ultimately playing at a Hyatt Regency when he released his first album in 1991.

So what about the guitars he sells on HSN? I'll let the reviews speak for themselves.

These are actual reviews from actual people who bought actual Esteban Guitars:


Complete and utter crap I wouldn't wish on anyone. 


First, this thing was made in China. What a crock! It was basically glued together. They claimed this had a rosewood neck and on and on...no! This is basically particleboard. It's not a good guitar. It looks like crap. This wasn't solid at all. The tuners didn't do anything, more or less. The body was flimsy. What junk!  


This guitar was not set up at all, buzzing strings, frets popped up. Binding was fake, plastic, possibly even taped on. The wood looked like crap and the fret board was cardboard/particle board. How can people get away with selling people this crap. It makes no sense.


Not reliable at all. I'm embarrassed to play it in front of family or friends because of the sound and the dead frets. This Esteban guitar has no durability since it started breaking down after only 3 months of owning it, and I played it gently, having a suspicion that it wasn't made well to start with. As reliable as a dead beat dad.

The power lines in my front yard are lower than the action on this guitar...but it was the first acoustic i owned ,,now i can play anything,since my hands become a rough and concrete...most everything on this guitar is flawed 

cut my fingers on the frets. I had to spend Christmas morning in the emergency room getting stitches. The doctors looked at me like I was a complete lunatic, since I was covered in blood and paint from the fretboard, and screaming about how Esteban ruined my Christmas.

My daughter bought it. She played it for a couple weeks. Then one day I arrived home from work and there it was hanging from a tree limb minus strings. She got so ticked off that she decided to turn it into a bird house. So far after 6 weeks in the tree no birds have moved in, but there is bird crap all over it

I returned the entire package. They refunded me for two payments, but now they are using my Visa to take money out of my bank account again


So this thieving hack claims his guitar to be just as good as a Martin. Better actually, because his guitar has a built in pickup (gasp!) and the 5,000 dollar Martin that it is compared to.......doesn't!

These infomercials are aimed at the poor, innocent, naive, people who don't know shit about guitars. Unfortunate people who haven't yet been taught the lesson "you get what you pay for."

So do yourselves a favor, instead of buying an Esteban Guitar, go to your local music store and buy the cheapest guitar there because I guarantee it will be better than the Esteban Guitar.