Why Kerry King Sucks

  I'm sick of hearing how great a guitarist Slayer's Kerry King is, and how his playing is extremely unique and integral to Slayer's chaotic sound.  Kerry King sucks and here's why:

HE APPEARED IN A SUM 41 VIDEO

Sum 41 sucks. They're nothing but pop rock, pop rap and pop metal. They suck in three different genres. If you affiliate yourself with them, then you suck.

 HE APPEARED IN A BEASTIE BOYS VIDEO

again very, very lame. The Beastie Boys are nothing but Top 40, white boy, fraternity party rap. If you affiliate yourself with them, then you suck.

HIS SOLOS ARE JUST HORRIBLE

I fucking dare you to listen to this entire video and then tell me there is anything technical or skillful going on there. I'll let the actual solos speak for themselves. Just because it's fast doesn't mean its good. Saying something is good just because its fast is like saying that just because you can type 120wpm that you're going to write a bestselling novel.

HIS RIFFS ALL SOUND THE SAME

 

First I dare you to even make it through this entire video. Second I dare you to tell me that he doesn't sound like he's playing the exact same riff over and over again.  Again, just because its fast, doesn't mean its good. That's like saying my shitty 1984 Ford Tempo is a good car just because it could go over 100mph.

HIS TATTOOS ARE LAME

Tribal tattoos? really? 

In It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia—the only sitcom of the past decade worth watching—two of the main characters have the following exchange regarding tribal tattoos:

“Those are really original, by the way.”
“They’re tribal.”
“I’m sorry? What tribe are you from?”

The only people who can get away with having tribals on their flesh are MMA fighters, and that’s solely down to the fact that nobody in their right mind would openly mock them for it. If you’re thinking of getting tribal tattoos, just get yourself a T-shirt that says, “I have no imagination” instead. It will be infinitely cheaper and a whole lot less embarrassing to be seen in public with.

 HE LOOKS AT HIS GUITAR WHEN HE PLAYS

It doesn't present the music well when you stare at the guitar when you play and it doesn't present confidence either. I wrote a whole blog about this topic that you can read HERE. 

  What do you think is better someone who stares at their guitar when they play like Kerry King? 

Or someone who doesn't stare at their guitar when they play like this?

HE WEARS HIS GUITAR STRAP TOO LOW

Again, I've written an entire blog about wearing your guitars too low and you can read about it HERE. 

I view people who wear their guitars too low in much the same way I view homeboy kids who wear their pants too low. If you think it makes you look cool, it really doesn't. 

 So in summation, besides the fact that Kerry King is a douche with stupid tattoos who claims to be metal but works with rappers and pop stars, he's just a sorry excuse of a musician. He has no idea how to hold  a guitar, and when he's playing he can't take his eyes off what he's playing like a confident skillful guitarist would do, and he's just a shitty guitarist whose solos are just a barrage of unintelligible notes all while he's raping that whammy bar. His riffs are all exactly the same and nothing he has ever played has ever made anyone go, "wow, how did he do that?!" 

  I once had a woman tell me that you can tell a lot about how a guitarist is in bed by how he plays guitar.  Still think fast is good?

 

Why BB King Sucks

For someone who is supposed to be a Bluesman, BB King sure does look happy. I mean does BB King really look like he has, “The Blues” right here? 

I just find it hard to believe that someone adorned in gold rings, a crushed velvet suit and a $10,000.00 guitar with gold plated pickups has “The Blues.” What could you possibly have the The Blues about?

So why else does B.B. King suck.

HE DOESN'T PLAY CHORDS!

What kind of guitarist doesn't play chords? That's like driving a car but saying that do make left hand turns.

HE SITS DOWN TO PLAY

 
I don't care how old you are, you need to be standing up when you play. 

HE ADMITS IT HIMSELF 

 BB King recently performed a show in St. Louis that was so bad that he had to apoloize for it, but he blamed it on being off his diabetes medication and being tired after a long bus ride.  That's no excuse. When you're a rich and famous professional musician charging money for people to hear you play, not being rested or not taking your medication is no excuse.

 So besides the fact that all his songs sound the same, and he doesn't do anything except pentatonic bends and he doesn't present his music well because he sits down to play and he's a rich and famous musician who probably doesn't want for anything yet claims to have "The Blues" The real reason BB King sucks is the fact that such a supposedly influential guitarist can't play chords. That is unforgivable. To be real "King" of the guitar means to master all aspects of it...including chords.

 

Why John Lennon Sucks

Fuck it, I've been doing a lot of reading lately and I've had a change of heart about John Lennon, so I'm going after the Sacred Cow of Music, Peace, & filthy hippies everywhere. Today I'm writing about why John Lennon sucks.

John Lennon was a Violent Wife Beater

It's true: He was a violent man, and admitted as such openly. That line in McCartney's song Getting Better, which goes "I used to be cruel to my woman, I beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved . . ." was written by Lennon.

"It is a diary form of writing. All that "I used to be cruel to my woman, I beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved" was me. I used to be cruel to my woman, and physically -- any woman. I was a hitter. I couldn't express myself and I hit. I fought men and I hit women." - John Lennon from a 1980 Playboy Interview.

Author Larry Kane in his book Ticket to Ride documents an incident in 1964 when Lennon slapped a lady journalist across the face. It required a lot of diplomacy and public relations skills from Brian Epstein to suppress the story.

Albert Goldman's book, "The Lives of John Lennon," even alleges that Lennon caused the death of an unborn baby he'd conceived with Yoko Ono during 1968, when he kicked the pregnant Ono in the belly during an argument.

But he wasn't just violent against women. According Goldman's book, Lennon suffered feelings of extreme guilt when his friend Stu Sutcliffe died of a brain hemorrhage. Two weeks before he and Lennon had gotten into a fight and Lennon reportedly kicked him in the head with a steel-toed boot. (He always blamed himself for Sutcliffe's death at 23.) Lennon would also get into street fights.

So John Lennon, the hippie champion of peace and love in reality had a hair-trigger temper, and he'd unleash on men, women, dogs, inanimate objects: anyone who was around. 


John Lennon Emotionally Abused His Son

It's well documented that John Lennon was a terrible father to his oldest son Julian Lennon. Julian was all but ignored by the absentee musician who would go for years at a time without seeing him and when he did see him he could be abusive. 

The book, “John Lennon: The Life” by Beatles biographer Philip Norman recounts a story by a family friend who recalls Lennon yelling, “No, I’m not going to mend your fucking bicycle!” to his young son.

 Julian Lennon even said once that Paul McCartney was more of a father to him then John Lennon was. 


John Lennon Broke Up The Beatles 

  Yes Paul McCartney was the first to publicly announce that he was leaving The Beatles in April 1970 but Lennon was the first to announce he was leaving the group in September 1969.


John Lennon was a Liar

Although most everyone embellishes or exaggerates details of their lives in some way or another, John Lennon rewrote almost every major event in his life to suit his tastes.

He claimed to be working class yet he was raised in a very comfortable middle class home. 

He denied being married during the early years of Beatlemania.

He claimed he met Yoko Ono at an art gallery but in reality their romance didn't start in some romantic fashion. She had been stalking him for months before he finally caved in to her advances.

He said he left The Beatles over Paul McCartney taking on an increasingly dominant role, but in reality it was due to a serious heroin addiction.

He said he took a few years off in the 1970's to be a stay at home dad when in reality he was in a drug induced haze. The Goldman book, "The Lives of John Lennon,"  describes Lennon spending these years watching tv all day while servants attended to his son while he did nothing but shoot heroin, and did so much coke that he was actually scheduled to have plastic surgery to repair his nasal septum several days after the day he was murdered.

John Lennon was an Unremarkable Musician

  He was never anything special on the guitar, relegated to playing the most basic rhythm parts. Nothing he ever did on the guitar has ever made anyone ever go "Holy Shit, how did he do that!?"  

  Musically his early work ripped off Roy Orbison and Buddy Holly, his late Beatlemania work directly ripped off Bob Dylan and his post Sgt. Pepper work was just drug fueled psychedelic gibberish. Have you ever read the lyrics for I am the Walrus or Come Together?  

  Incidentally, John Lennon was sued for ripping off Come Together from an old Chuck Berry song and settled the matter out of court. 


John Lennon was a Hypocrite

"I have to say that, from my point of view, I felt he was a hypocrite. Dad could talk about peace and love out loud to the world but he could never show it to the people who supposedly meant the most to him: his wife and son. How can you talk about peace and love and have a family in bits and pieces - no communication, adultery, divorce? You can't do it, not if you're being true and honest with yourself." - Julian Lennon

  The man who sang “imagine no possessions” lived a millionaire’s life in a posh New York hotel. The man who sang “imagine no religion” was obsessed with every spiritual and New Age fad that came his way, including Hindu meditation, the I-Ching, and astrology of all kinds. The man who sang “all you need is love” was a bitter, violent, and angry man who abused his family and friends. The man who praised having “nothing to kill or die for” helped finance and publicize radical groups who extolled the use of violence like the Black Panthers.



 Quite literally everything his fans see personified in the icon of John Lennon are ideals the man himself either couldn’t or wouldn’t live up to. 
 

Why I Hate Dave Grohl: Part 2

   If you missed Part 1 of Why I Hate Dave Grohl you can view it HERE.

  So let's quickly review the reasons why Dave Grohl sucks that we covered in part 1:

Ultra Lame All Star Benefit Concerts

 

  Playing at the White House in front of the establishment in a suit and tie, doing the Kennedy Center Honors twice and performing in every single celebrity all star jam or benefit gala is not Rock N Roll. Rock music has it's earliest roots as an underground movement. It's at its best when it's an underground movement. The moment you make rock a mainstream thing and put it on stage at the White House or Kennedy Center with a bunch of rich white people, it's no longer rock and roll, it's pop music.

THE MUPPETS

Playing with The Muppets is not funny, it's not cool and it's definitely not Rock N Roll. Do you really wanna go to a Foo Fighters concert and sit with a bunch of crying, shitty kids who are there because they saw him play with the Muppets?

He Hosted Chelsea Lately

Hosting late night talk shows and doing stupid skits is something Johnny Carson should do not a Rock Star. The only cameras I want my rock stars in front of are mugshot cameras.

Pop Music

 

Ever since The Color and the Shape, the Foo Fighters have been making the exact same album over and over again. It's highly commercialized and formulaic music. Adult contemporary garbage with absolutely no artistic merit or relevance. Calling the Foo Fighters rock is like calling Taco Bell authentic Mexican Cuisine.

Why I Hate Dave Grohl:  Part 2

 Dave Grohl is nothing more than a professional celebrity, and the Foo Fighters are one of the most contrived and soulless bands I’ve ever heard. I’m not sure what makes me want to take my life more: the pseudo pithy lyrics or the grating self satisfied music. I try real hard to ignore him and the Foo Fighters but between Nirvana’s induction into the Rock & Roll hall of fame, the release of Dave’s “Sound City” documentary and the bloated HBO series “Sonic Highways” that accompanies the new Foo Fighters record, he’s fucking everywhere So here are some more reasons why he sucks:

His Lyrics are Shallow and Without Substance

Here's a lyrical example. I'll let the words speak for themselves:

Buried my heart, cannot go this alone
And I might think you love me 

But I know damn well you don't

or 

Holding my breath I waited and waited
How'd the simple life get so complicated?
Shoes to fill, secrets to spill down you

or

Desperate, meaningless
All filled up with emptiness
Felt like everything was said and done

I lay there in the dark, I close my eyes
You saved me the day you came alive
  

or

Beautiful prisoner, left here for dead
Promises made and sentences read
Voices and visions are locked in my head
I could sing for sorrow

This bad emo poetry is the type of shit I would expect to find in a runaway teenage girl's diary after she killed herself and her mom is going thru her room and finds volumes and volumes of this.   

Mediocre Guitar Playing

The Foo Fighters music is so lame even a 9 year old girl can easily play it.  Which raises another important point. If 9 year old girls want to play your music then you are definitely not Rock N Roll.

He Smiles on Stage

What the hell are you smiling about? There's no smiling in Rock and Roll! Rock Stars should look angry when they play like this:

Or this is acceptable as well:

Sonic Highways

I’d almost be willing to even give David Grohl some props for his Sonic Highways documentary series on HBO about musicians whose music, unlike his, can rightly be considered art if only he didn’t end every episode with one of his God awful musical masturbatory anthems. He managed to turn what could’ve been an interesting series on musical history into a platform to promote his musical bowel movements.

  For example, Buddy Guy is one of the Blues players featured in the Chicago episode. During the course of the interview he says that he went “looking for a dime and found a quarter,” regarding his search for a life as a musician in Chicago. Sure as shit by the end of that episode Dave is shrieking the phrase over and over again in the Chicago “influenced” song, “Something from Nothing.”

His Hall of Fame Acceptance Speech

did anyone see his acceptance speech for Nirvana at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction? It had a lot of awkward F words & other profanity like he's trying to be all badass. And while he gave shout out's to his people back in Virginia or wherever he doesn't give one mention to KURT COBAIN! it was grotesque. 

 I sum this up by saying that in all my Dave Grohl hate research, I am confident when I tell you that the wrong member of Nirvana died.

We should be listening to Nirvana right now NOT the Foo Fighters.

Dave Grohl’s post Nirvana career is an insult to Kurt Cobain’s legacy. I can’t help but think that Kurt would have nothing to do with Dave were he alive.

  Of course, Kurt took care of what Kurt thinks a long time ago and despite it being a futile exercise to speculate, I’m pretty sure he would think the Foo Fighters suck and that Dave should stick to drumming.

And I say this with the realization that the Foo Fighters are just 5 years away from being eligible to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. 

 

 

 

Why Slash Sucks

For someone who has no idea what they're doing, he sure does it well.  

He's known as one of the world's most competent guitarists, he's won MANY awards and has been featured in every guitar related magazine ever. He was even the main character in Guitar Hero 3.

Bu he still sucks: 

Here's why:

1. He's Not a Great Songwriter
    Even though he did come up with the riffs for Sweet Child o' Mine and Paradise City, Axl & Izzy were the real song writing geniuses behind Guns N Roses.  Here's a lyrical example of what happens when Slash is left unsupervised:

Blood lust tonight, bite my tongue and hold it in
From deep inside she aches for every part of him
In the rapture of the midnight sun
She is longing for immortal love
Blue moon hangs high, tell me will it ever end?
Oh, oh, whoa, oh
Heres comes the bad rain,
Falling from an aching heart - from the song Bad Rain.

These are lyrics that I would expect to find scribbled inside a teenage girl's diary.


2. He's an Over Rated Guitarist at Best

     He's failed to evolve as a guitarist, he's stuck in the same sound and techniques. Even though Slash in the past has combined major and minor pentatonics, and even incorporated a few modal voicings here and there, you'd never know it because it still sounds like the same old shit he's been doing for decades now. As a guitarist he brings nothing new to the table.  Nothing innovative.  Although it may sound cool he never made me say, "OH MY GOD, HOW DID HE DO THAT?!"


3.  He Played With Michael Jackson
    


Playing with Michael Jackson, a multiple time suspected child molester is NOT Rock and Roll! And yeah I know Eddie Van Halen played with him too, and he sucks too but that's a subject for another time. 


4. He Holds His Guitar too Low

 I view musicians who hold their guitars too low in much the same way I view kids who wear their pants too low.  Pull you damn pants up & pull your damn guitars up too!


5. He Has the Heart of an Elderly Person
     At the age of 35, Slash was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy, caused by years of drug and alcohol use. I might be shallow but I don't think a rock star with a pacemaker is very cool. Pacemakers aren't rock and roll. If you're old enough or self destructive enough that you need a pacemaker (or a defibrilator or whatever the fuck it is) it's time to retire. I have no respect for someone who does that to themselves. 

6.  He tried out for Poison 

     Any credibility he may have had as a musician disappeared when I found out he actually auditioned for one of the lamest bands ever. 

 Even though Slash sucks, I don't think Guns N Roses would've been famous without him. His guitar playing is shit but it still rounded out the sound very well. Any other competent guitarist would've been too good and ruined the band. 

  Even though Slash sucks, it could be worse, he could be Mick Mars...

Why You're too Old to Become Famous

 If you think you and your band are going to conquer the world then I got news for you. If you're already past your early twenties then odds are it ain't gonna happen. 

  Rock history shows us that musicians tend to become famous in their early 20's.  


ELVIS

First single "Heartbreak Hotel" was released when he was 21.


JERRY LEE LEWIS

  














First Hit "Whole Lotta Shakin' Going On," was released when he was 22.



LITTLE RICHARD

First Hit, "Tutti Frutti" was released when he was 23.


THE BEATLES

First album, "Please Please Me," was released when John Lennon was 23, & Paul McCartney was 21.



THE ROLLING STONES

The Stones first US tour was in 1964 when Mick Jagger was 21.

PINK FLOYD

Floyd's first album "The Piper at the Gates of Dawn" was released in 1967 when founder Syd Barrett was 21.



JIMI HENDIX

Was 24 when "Are You Experienced" was released.


JIM MORRISON

Was 22, when The Doors first single, "Break on Through" was released.



OZZY OSBOURNE

 






Ozzy Osbourne was 21 when Black Sabbath released their first album.


ROBERT PLANT

Robert Plant was 19 when Led Zeppelin signed their contract with Atlantic Records.




KURT COBAIN

Was 24 when Nirvana's Nevermind topped Michael Jackson's Dangerous to take the number 1 spot on the Billboard Charts.


  LAYNE STALEY

Was 22 when Alice in Chains released "Facelift"



 So you're not going to become famous. Are you going to cry? Fame is such a long shot on the level of winning the lottery. It takes a combination of Talent, Looks, Charisma, Charm, Dedication, Hard Work and Luck...lot's of luck.

  The Beatles became famous at a time where the baby boomers (children born in the aftermath of WWII) were becoming teenagers. Tiny hand held transistor radios were just coming out as well.  There were more teenagers alive in the early 1960's then at any period in history. The world was ready for the Beatles. It was the right place and the right time. Rarely does the universe line up so perfectly for something like The Beatles to happen.

But don't fret, just because you aren't going to be famous doesn't mean that you can't have a successful career making music. 

And by that I don't consider playing the local dive bar on the weekends for free beer a career. I'm talking about being able to make music for a living. It's hard, and it takes talent, and hard work, and dedication and no fucking around but if you have what it takes then it can be done at any age.

So how are the ways most non-famous full-time musicians make a living? 

 
1. Playing in multiple bands so that they gig as much as five times a week. And playing those gigs in bands where they are paid at least $75-$100 per gig rather than having to split beer money five ways. 


2. Playing at weddings and other gigs that come with a guaranteed $1000 - $3000 per gig. 

3. Teaching music, as much as 20 -40 kids a week. 
 
4. Being in a cover band. 

5. Playing on cruises, Casinos or in dinner theaters. 

6. Playing in a house band or being the solo piano player at a bar. 


The problem with all of the above is that the musicians who do it tend not to get a lot of respect, either from the music reviewers or from other musicians. Being a wedding musician tends not to be something musicians proudly announce. 

It's not considered very prestigious. The non-famous musicians making the most money are viewed rather condescendingly by local music critics and by up-and-coming musicians who think that kind of thing is akin to selling your music soul to make a buck. 

But playing original music that the bloggers love tends to be the least lucrative kind of music you can do. 


The advantage of having a day job that pays the bills is that you can do the music you love without regard to whether it pays the bills. That can be very creative."

Why Your Band Sucks and Will Never Make it Big

Trust me, you're not going to make it and here's why:


Because You Spend Way too Much Time on The Internet!

     Bands these days spend more time on the internet self-promoting then they do actually playing shows. Some bands solely seem to exist online.  Get off the internet and get on a stage and start playing. If your entire promotional plan relies on Facebook, you’re fucked.

 
Because Your Fanbase Sucks
 So you think you're the shit now just because you sold out a free show and your band had more fans than the other bands, so now you're the best band in the whole world? I dare you to play your next show without mass texting anyone or annoying all your Facebook friends with invites then see how many people show up. You're supposed to be gaining new fans not simply playing to your already existing fanbase that say they like you regardless just because they are your friends.


Because You Don't Play Shows Outside of Home

  What's the point in playing the same shows in the same places to the same people over and over again? It's called over saturation and that's exactly what you're doing to the market. Book a small tour. Even a weekend tour is GREAT! Planting seeds is the game and playing shows in new towns is the key to getting your music out the right way. The internet is a great tool to help in booking and promoting these shows, but it is not a tool to gain new real fans face to face. 



Because You Play Too Often

Even if your favorite band played your city every week, you wouldn’t go see them.  You wouldn’t make it a priority because you could always just “catch the next one.”

Spread Out Your Shows


Because You Want to "Make It" in the Music Business

  DUDE! The music industry is dead! You have a better chance at winning the lottery than you do "Making It" in the music business. Those bands that do make it, make it because they have the financial backing behind them that allows them to live like musicians and pursue music full time.  


You can’t tour because one of your members has a job

  The Beatles didn't have jobs. Do you think the Beatles would've made it if John Lennon was flipping burgers part time at the Liverpool McDonalds? Do you think Nirvana would've made it if Kurt Cobain was your Companys IT guy at the office during the week? If you wanna be a musician then you have to live like a musician, and that means life can get rough sometimes.


Because You Guys are Dicks 
  If there's one thing I hate it's when you go up to congratulate a band after a set and get blown off as if you're beneath them. You wanna make new fans? Stop fucking around on Facebook and try actually being nice to people! Thank the person that just congratulated you on your set. Ask them their name, be friendly. It'll go a long way. Thank the sound guys, door people, bartenders. People will like your music better if you aren't such assholes.


Because You Don't Practice

  There's a difference between practicing to inprove and just playing along to your favorite songs while watching tv and texting on your phone.


Because We Can't Read Your Fucking Band Logo
  

 










If your logo is this shitty, chances are the music will be too.


Because You Name Drop

  Nothing is lamer than trying to name drop to validate who you are. I could give a rat's ass that you played a show with Slipknot or King Diamond once.


Because Your Band Makes Better T-Shirts than Albums

  This goes back to my earlier post of spending way more time self promoting than actually playing.


Because You're Too Old

The music industry is a shallow place my friend.



Because You're Butt Ugly

The music industry is a shallow place my friend.


Because You Don't Have Any Personality or Charisma on Stage

  Staring at your guitar when you play instead of looking out at the crowd is probably the most common fault I see in bands. Also playing an entire set without telling the crowd what your band name is or when your next show will be.


Because You're Fucking Lazy

  You drink too much and wake up late. and spend your days watching reruns of Big Bang Theory. Making it means, you have to work, and to make it as a musician means you have to work at getting better on your instrument, work on booking shows, and work on promoting your band. Once you make it then you can drink too much and wake up late. You're putting the carriage before the horse.  It's like singers that admire Jim Morrison that think that just because they put on leather pants and drink a gallon of booze that they're going to be famous.


Because You're a Loser

   You're an unemployed musician on a low income who can't invest in yourself. And if you can't or won't invest in yourself then why should anyone else?   Just because Jack White became famous playing a $100 Montgomery Wards guitar doesn't mean you are too. If you wanna be a successful musician then you need to look like a successful musician, and that means having the proper equipment.


 I'm just playing devils advocate. I'm no music industry guru but I know a lot of bands and musicians that didn't make it and these are the reasons why.









  

Why Esteban and His Shitty Guitars Suck

So who the fuck is this guy and what's the deal with his guitars?

Esteban is actually Stephen Paul from Pittsburgh, PA.

He is the...ahem..."guitar master" (cough..cough..bullshit...cough..cough) that can be found from time-to-time peeking from beneath his black leather hat dressed up like fucking Zorro, on late night infomercials and on Home Shopping Network, trying to sell his crappy guitars. 

So how did Stephen become Esteban? 

Legend has it that he was given the name from none other than Andres Segovia who he claims to have studied with. 

In reality the only thing that's for certain is that Esteban did meet with Segovia at least once and he autographed a book for him...something he did probably thousands of times for thousands of fans.
I think it's prudent that this be known. Segovia had died before he could be questioned about Esteban. Esteban's self-proclaimed skill learned from Segovia cannot be verified since Segovia can't actually speak for himself.

According to his Wikipedia page he also studied music at Carnegie Mellon University, was involved in a car crash that left him unable to play guitar for ten years and was ultimately playing at a Hyatt Regency when he released his first album in 1991.

So what about the guitars he sells on HSN? I'll let the reviews speak for themselves.

These are actual reviews from actual people who bought actual Esteban Guitars:


Complete and utter crap I wouldn't wish on anyone. 


First, this thing was made in China. What a crock! It was basically glued together. They claimed this had a rosewood neck and on and on...no! This is basically particleboard. It's not a good guitar. It looks like crap. This wasn't solid at all. The tuners didn't do anything, more or less. The body was flimsy. What junk!  


This guitar was not set up at all, buzzing strings, frets popped up. Binding was fake, plastic, possibly even taped on. The wood looked like crap and the fret board was cardboard/particle board. How can people get away with selling people this crap. It makes no sense.


Not reliable at all. I'm embarrassed to play it in front of family or friends because of the sound and the dead frets. This Esteban guitar has no durability since it started breaking down after only 3 months of owning it, and I played it gently, having a suspicion that it wasn't made well to start with. As reliable as a dead beat dad.

The power lines in my front yard are lower than the action on this guitar...but it was the first acoustic i owned ,,now i can play anything,since my hands become a rough and concrete...most everything on this guitar is flawed 

cut my fingers on the frets. I had to spend Christmas morning in the emergency room getting stitches. The doctors looked at me like I was a complete lunatic, since I was covered in blood and paint from the fretboard, and screaming about how Esteban ruined my Christmas.

My daughter bought it. She played it for a couple weeks. Then one day I arrived home from work and there it was hanging from a tree limb minus strings. She got so ticked off that she decided to turn it into a bird house. So far after 6 weeks in the tree no birds have moved in, but there is bird crap all over it

I returned the entire package. They refunded me for two payments, but now they are using my Visa to take money out of my bank account again


So this thieving hack claims his guitar to be just as good as a Martin. Better actually, because his guitar has a built in pickup (gasp!) and the 5,000 dollar Martin that it is compared to.......doesn't!

These infomercials are aimed at the poor, innocent, naive, people who don't know shit about guitars. Unfortunate people who haven't yet been taught the lesson "you get what you pay for."

So do yourselves a favor, instead of buying an Esteban Guitar, go to your local music store and buy the cheapest guitar there because I guarantee it will be better than the Esteban Guitar.

 

The Six Types of Annoying Guitar Players

  1. The Poser

 These are guys you see hanging around coffee shops with an acoustic guitar. They can also be found on college campus quads and house parties. They pretend to play guitar, and take advantage of unsuspecting females in hopes that they'll get laid.

While most guitar players took up the instrument in hopes that it'll get them girls, the guitar player differs from the poser in that the guitarist can actually play and demonstrate skill, while the poser thinks the guitar alone will get them laid.

2. THE STRUGGLING ARTIST SINGER/SONGWRITER

These are the guys you see at open mic nights and occasionally busking on street corners, or playing at your local bar. Most people have at least one Facebook Friend who fits this profile. They are always plugging their latest self made CD, or sending you a endless stream of invites for their next open mic night appearance. These are the kind of guys that go into Guitar Center and play their own music.


3. THE SPEED DEMON

Your only tempo: Fast.
Your only level: Loud.

You are all about technique and precision. You have truly mastered your weapon and aren’t afraid to show it. However, sometimes your solos go on just a little bit too long. More to the point, subtlety is not in your dictionary. These are the guys that go into Guitar Center get hard playing super fast scales and arpeggios all day long.

I once heard a woman say that you could tell how a guy is in bed by how he plays guitar. If that's true then maybe being the fastest guitar player in the world isn't necessarily a good thing.

If you can make it through this entire Yngwie Malmsteen video you might be a speed demon. Good luck, I couldn't.

4. THE IDGAF GUITARIST

You never took a lesson in a day in your life, and you may never have touched a guitar before but that won’t stop you from rocking out. You don’t even need to know how to play. Not only do you not need skills, you don’t even need good looks. These are guys who won't even go into Guitar Center because fuck Guitar Center they're playing something they found at a Pawn Shop or a $100 Montgomery Wards guitar like Jack White because fuck it Loud and fast is what all good music is about anyway.

5. THE HOT CHICK

You'll rarely ever see these Hot Chicks with Guitars performing in person and they only ever seem to be found on Youtube with their own channels. The hot chick can resemble a wannabe Struggling Artist /Singer Songwriter.


6. THE OLD GUY

These old farts have one foot in the grave and are Knock, Knock Knocking on Heavens Door. The only reason they're attempting to learn to play is because they saw an Esteban Infomercial on TV like this one: