I Hate Tool: Or Why I'm Sick of Pretending to Like Tool.

   I hate the band Tool. I've pretended that I like them since the mid 1990's just so my other hard rock friends would think I'm cool like them, but I'm almost 40 now, I'm sick of pretending, and I don't care what people think anymore. So I'm going on the record, 

I f*kkin HATE Tool. 

 

ooh, you're not afraid to have a weird haircut, you're such a rebel, what an important social statement you're making, pffft!

   I find their music, pseudo-intellectual garbage. So they wrote a song that corresponds to the Fibonacci Sequence (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tool_%28band%29). So what, we're supposed think you're the Da Vinci Code of rock bands just because you can f*kking add? 


   Here's another song that corresponds to another famous 'sequence' This should be right up your alley.

 Oh and you're so cool because you know who Bill Hicks is and you included bits of his act in your album?  I tell you what here's the obscure comedian who I'm going to put in my album so I can be cool like you.

 Oh yeah and there's the whole 'I can't face the audience.' You gotta be a real prick to expect people to cough up $15 bucks for a cd, $50 for a concert ticket and drink $10 beers all night, just to be told that the band's lead singer is more comfortable with his back to the crowd.  Well you sure are comfortable taking your fans money, and what do they get in return? they get to see some douche sing to a wall? 

F*ck you! act like a man! If you're man enough to take people's hard earned money, at least be man enough to face these idiots who are convinced you're some some sort of God, you big pussy.

Oh, whats that now?

the songs are a personal journey for him and he has a hard time with the glare of the lights when he’s trying to reproduce these emotions for the audience. He needs a bit of personal space, and he feels more comfortable in the shadows  - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tool_%28band%29

   Well, I can't possibly imagine the kind of personal space needed to produce such heartfelt lyrical gems as:

My shadow's
shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again.

  
   What a personal journey that must've been when you wrote that, or did you steal it from a 14 year old, Hot Topic, Mall Goths poetry journal, which you found inside her Nightmare Before Christmas, Jack Skelton Lunch Box?

   Besides the fact that I think "Maynard James Keenan" is the most ridiculous stage name since "Jello Biafra," he is a pretensious, asshole...want proof? In the following interview,  he was asked 13 simple questions by this website and he can't give a straight answer to even the simplest question. 

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1. Who are your heroes?
When you say “Heroes” do you mean like survivors or those who were lost and now found? Or do you mean like Super Heroes?
I don’t own any comic books, but I have seen their movies.
2. When was the last time you said today was a good day?
What is today? Is today Tuesday? I’d have to look at a calendar to pin point the exact day. But if Today is in fact Tuesday, it was today.
I think.
3. What or who still inspires you to keep on keeping on?
Again. I’m gonna need a few more details here. Some specific nugget that helps me direct my focus. Do you like nuggets?
4.  What would you rather be doing right now?
Nothing I’d rather be doing right now than what I’m doing that is not the things I don’t like doing. Things that I don’t like doing I generally don’t do now. I usually do them later or not at all. Many activities fall into both of these categories. In the interest of keeping these responses short, let’s narrow the scope to what would I rather be doing now fully clothed and sober. And we’ll build from there.
5. If you weren’t making art, what do you think you’d be doing?
Art is a very subjective individual with no patience or patients since he lost his license to practice. To suggest that I made him, although flattering, is a bit like idol worship on your part. You should see a Doctor. Not Art though. That would be illegal.
6. Who would you rather eat dinner with, Danny Devito or Dog The Bounty Hunter?
Heh. I had to read that question a few times. In my head it said something different and I started to puzzle out what sort of cuisine/spices would go well with a 1944 First growth Devito. But I misread the question. So now I’m just hungry and embarrassed.
7. What makes you cringe?
Is cringe a word? It must be cause spell check didn’t try to spank me just now. I should look up the word cringe on Wiki to see if they have some fun facts to go along with the definition… Pause… Ok. Not a spin off music term emerging in the wake of the Seattle “Grunge” phase those poor kids had to endure. There was Munge, Booodge, and Fudgit. But no Cringe. So I’m at a loss.
8.  Give us your best recipe? Let us have it!
This reminds me of a Steven Wright joke. Something about instant water. “What do you add?” heh. That was funny.
9. Do you have hope for this new generation of kids who worship Lindsay Lohan, suck down TMZ, download music (and have never even owned one cd or lp) and fast food gobbling generation that is in their teenage years right now? Or are they a lost cause?
As long as they/she has an ID that says she’s 18 or older, it’s all gonna work out for someone.
10. What in the world is affecting you right now?
WHOA! Why? Can you tell I’m distracted? That’s fuckin trippy. Can you see me right now? Are you like that Romper Room chic with the creepy ping pong paddle? I just woke up and I was up late working in the winery. And my phone just rang, but I’m doing my best to focus on these questions. Lighten up.
11. The 80′s or the 90′s? And why?
Now you’re really freaking me out. I was just thinking of time machines when you typed that. Or when I read it or whatever. Do you have one? Is that code for you have one? Seriously? That would be very very cool.
12. What could you NOT live with out?
I assume you are excluding the obvious stuff. But fuck, dude. If you have a time machine we wouldn’t need anything. We could just go back and forth when we needed something. Like water. Or food. Or food and shelter and clothing. From Barney’s. What can your time machine not live without. THAT is the more important question, McFly.
13. Give the internet some words to live by….
I have no idea what that means.

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 Jeezus! would it kill you to just answer one f*kking question. 

   Tool lead their fans on into thinking that they're smarter than the rest of rock fans if they can find the hidden decoder puzzle in their lyrics, but its a bunch of bullshit. 


   The only puzzles that you unlock is that, 


* wow, you can add numbers
* wow, you looked up, evolution, organized religion and Carl Jung on wikipedia and read just enough to convince your legions of retarded fans, that you're so smart, and intellectual.  

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But no matter what I say, the fact remains.