Ozzy Osbourne

[This is an excerpt taken from the book "I am Ozzy" by Ozzy Osbourne. It's a great book but this is by far my favorite part.]


'Ok Mr. Osbourne, I'm going to ask you a question' said the doc. 'Have you ever taken any, "street drugs"?'

This was the new guy I went to see when I decided to get clean. I'd spent almost forty years blasting the booze, and the pills, so it seemed like a good idea to see what kind of damage I'd done.

'Well,' I told him with a little cough, 'I once smoked some pot."

'Is that it?'

'Yeah thats it.'

The doc carried on prodding me and checking his notes. Then he stopped and asked, "Are you sure?"

'Well,' I said with another little cough, 'I've taken a bit of speed. A long time ago, y'know?'

'So just the pot, and a bit of speed?'

'Pretty much, yeah'

The doc carried on doing his thing. But after a while, he stopped again. 'Are you absolutely sure it was just the pot and the speed?'

'Well, I suppose I've had a few toots of the old waffle dust in my time,' I said. I was starting to warm up now.

'So pot, speed, and...a few lines of cocaine?'

'Pretty much, yeah.'

'And you're sure about that?'

'Uh-huh.'

'I just want to make absolut-'

'Does heroin count?'

'Yes. Heroin counts.'

'Oh, and heroin then. Just once or twice, mind'

'And you're sure it was just once or twice?'

'Oh yeah. Fucking crap drug heroin is. Have you tried it?'

'No'

'Too much throwing up for my liking'

'The nausea can be intense, yes'

'It's a waste of booze, thats what it is.'

'OK,' the doctor snapped. 'Lets just stop this. Are there any drugs you haven't taken Mr. Osbourne?'

'Not that I'm aware of, no.'

More silence.

Finally the doc said, 'And what about alcohol? You mention that you drink. How many units per day?'

'Oh, about four. Give or take.'

'Can you be more specific?'

'Bottles of Hennessey. But it depends.'

'On what?'

'On how long I pass out between them.'

'And it's just the Hennessey?'

'Well, beer doesn't count, does it?'

The doc shook his head, rubbed his eyes, and let out a big sigh. He looked like he wanted to go home. Then he asked, 'And do you smoke, Mr. Osbourne?'

'Now and again.'

'What a surprise. How many per day, would you say?'

'Oh, thirty-ish?'

'What brand of cigarettes?'

'Cigars, I don't count the cigarettes.'

The doc started to go very white. Then he said, 'For how long has this been your typical daily routine?'

'What year is it?' I asked him.

'2004.'

'Nearly forty years then.'

'And is there anything else in your medical history I should know about?' asked the doc.

'Well,' I said, "I got hit by an airplane once - sort of, anyway. And I broke my neck on a quad bike. Then I died twice during the coma. I had AIDS for 24 hours too* And I thought I had MS but it turned out to be a parkinsonian tremor. I broke my clack [uvula] that other time. Oh, and I've had the clap a few times. Oh and one or two seizures. Like when I took codeine in New York, or when I date raped myself in Germany. Unless you count the abuse of prescription medication.

The doctor nodded.

Then he cleared his throat, loosened his tie and said, "I've got one last question for you, Mr. Osbourne."

'Go ahead doc.'

'Why are you still alive?'

He was right. There was no plausible medical reason why I should still be alive. There's even less of a reason I should be so healthy...I mean yes my short term memory hasn't been too great since the quad bike accident, but I have a memory therapist now to help me with it - and I still have a mild stammer. But my heart's in great shape, and my liver's like brand new. After a million and one tests, the best the doc could come up with was that I had, 'a bit of cholesterol.'

haha, thats a very amusing story. That dude is very lucky to be alive. That also shows you just how strong genetics can be. I like Ozzy Osbourne. He is a good singer. He can really rock his ass off.

ok bye.

***You find out earlier in the book that Ozzy's false positive AIDS test was because he was taking so many drugs that his immune system was obliterated, haha.***